- Relational Wisdom | Ken Sande | Biblical Emotional Intelligence | Peacemaking | Institute Christian Conciliation | Reconciliation - https://rw360.org -

Three Pennies a Week

Every relationship has a limited amount of social capital.

Among other things, this means that you need to exercise wisdom in how often you initiate uncomfortable conversations with those around you, whether in your family, church or workplace.

Think of it like this: imagine that you can spend only “three pennies of criticism” in a normal relationship each week. If you spend those pennies on minor issues, you’ll find that person unwilling to listen to you if you try to bring up another issue, even if it’s really important. You’ve used up all of your pennies, and there’s nothing left to draw on in your “relational bank account.”

Some relationships have a larger reserve and can endure more frequent uncomfortable conversations. I’ve been fortunate enough to have professional colleagues who had so much passport [1] with me that they could initiate several stressful conversations in a week when we were facing unusual challenges.

Other relationships naturally necessitate a large expenditure of pennies … like a mother of small children who must spend many pennies a day simply to maintain order. (But even there, excessive correction can be counter-productive.)

And still other relationships are so new, wounded or fragile that even one unpleasant conversation a week could exhaust your account.

So the next time you’re about to start a conversation that may be unpleasant for someone else, ask yourself, “Is this really where I want to spend one of the few pennies I have with this person?”

The more wisely you discern and spend your social capital with those around you, the more likely you are to engage others in productive ways and to see your relationships grow deeper and stronger over time.

“There is one whose rash words are like sword thrusts, but the tongue of the wise brings healing” (Prov. 12:18).

“To make an apt answer is a joy to a man, and a word in season, how good it is!” (Prov. 15:23)

– Ken Sande

Reflection Questions

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© 2016 Ken Sande

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