Here is a question I am often asked during RW seminars: “My four-year old daughter has a habit of lying to us about her sinful behavior. For example, if we find her standing near a wall covered with crayon marks, and she is still holding crayons in her hand, she will still deny that she did it. How can we free her from this habit of lying?”
I typically respond to this question with principles that apply just as readily to impulsive teens, spouses, friends and coworkers.
“Your daughter is experiencing classic “fight/flight” behavior. There is a part of her brain called the “amygdala” that is designed to help her make instantaneous decisions when she encounters potential danger. For example, if she was in your backyard and suddenly saw a rattlesnake four feet away, her amygdala would signal her to instantly jump away from danger. This response is not dependent on the rational thinking and impulse control that takes place in the neocortex part of the brain. It happens instantly without rational thinking to protect her from imminent harm.
“The neurological interplay between our amygdala and neocortex is part of God’s original creation design, but humanity’s Fall into sin (Genesis 3) has corrupted every part of our being, including our emotions, our reasoning and our will. This is often referred to as the “noetic effects of sin [1].” Therefore, our amygdala sometimes triggers instantaneous and sinful reactions, such as Peter’s denial of Christ. These types of reactions are often referred to as “amygdala hijacking.”
“Your daughter has inherited this tendency. When you confront her about the crayon writing on the wall, her amygdala signals that she is in danger of discipline, and without taking time to consider the consequences of lying, she blurts out an automatic defensive lie, “I didn’t do it!”
“The good news is that there are several steps you can take to help her break free of this impulsive tendency.
“First, pray for God to give you grace to avoid imitating her impulsive behavior by reacting to her misbehavior with impulsive yelling or punishment. This will set a poor example and will only serve to engrain her fearful reaction when confronted with misbehavior. To learn to control your own impulsive tendencies, learn to practice the READ principle, which is described in Four Ways to Defeat Amygdala Hijacking [2].
“Second, ask God to change you in such a way that your automatic response to your daughter’s sin is to bring her the gospel rather than impulsively lecturing her with “the law” (i.e., all the rules she has broken). Through the gospel, you can remind her that Jesus has paid for her sins on the cross, so she can find forgiveness from him and from you when she confesses her wrongs. The gospel also holds out the promise that when we ask for God’s help, he will send his Holy Spirit to give us power to break free from sinful habits (1 John 1:9). For a practical example of how to bring the gospel to a wayward child (or to your teen, spouse or an adult friend), see Penetrating Barriers with the Gospel [3].
“Third, ask God to give you grace, patience and wisdom to come along side your daughter when she is tempted to lie and to buy her time to avoid a fight/flight response and to instead draw on her God-given reasoning capacity to consider the different consequences of the choices she can make. For example, when you see her standing by a crayon-colored wall, you may be tempted to blurt out, “Why did you do this when I’ve told you a thousand times not to write on the walls?” Instead, using a soft voice and a gentle facial expression to show that you are not reacting in anger (which would only magnify her fear), you could say something like this:
Oh, it looks like we need to pray to God for his help right now. Please come and hold my hand as we pray.
‘Lord, I thank you for giving Lexy artistic abilities and a love for the different colors you have built into your creation. She may grow up to be a great artist someday. But today she needs your help to think through some wrong choices she has made. She knows we love that she colors pretty pictures on paper, but she is not supposed to color on our walls because it is very hard to clean up.
‘Today Lexy forgot about these rules and disobeyed us, which is a serious sin in your eyes. But Jesus, we thank you that you went up on a cross to pay for her sins and will gladly forgive her and help her to change when she confesses to you and asks for your help. As 1 John 1:9 promises, “If we confess our sins, [Jesus] is faithful and just to forgive our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.”
’Lord, please help Lexy to know that you have filled my heart with your love for her. Therefore, I, too, will be glad to forgive her when she confesses what she has done wrong. And even though she will need to have the consequence of losing the use of her crayons for a few days [or other appropriate discipline], she will have the peace and joy of a big, warm hug and my complete forgiveness when she confesses.
’Now, Lord, please help Lexy to tell the truth, to admit what she has done, and to experience the joy of complete forgiveness.’
“Fourth, respond wisely to your child’s response. If she stubbornly refuses to confess what she did wrong, ask God to help you respond with wisdom and grace. It may be wise to simply send her to her room for a while to experience distance from her family and to think about how much better it will be when she confesses and is forgiven. You could also explain that her refusal to confess will lead to more serious consequences. Corlette and I refer to this as, “double trouble:” one consequence for the initial sinful act and a second consequence for blaming others or lying about it.
“On the other hand, if your daughter decides to admit what she has done wrong, be sure to respond in a way that will encourage her to take the path of confession in the future. Avoid further lecturing and instead speak words of forgiveness to her, such as the four promises of forgiveness taught in our Young Peacemaker curriculum [4]: “Good thought, hurt you not, gossip never, friends forever.” I would always pull my children up on my lap when I spoke these words so that I could give them a warm and affectionate hug as I said the last promise.
“Even if there is forgiveness (the full restoration of your personal relationship), there can still be appropriate disciplinary consequences to teach your daughter that the fun of misbehavior is not worth the price of the disciplinary consequences. In this case, perhaps you could have her help you clean the wall and lose the use of her crayons for a few days. Whatever you do, resist the temptation to react impulsively or in anger, and instead explain that the consequences are an act of love to teach her to make wise choices in the future.
“Fifth, to strengthen your daughter’s ability to avoid impulsive reactions in the future, including lying about her misbehavior, study the Young Peacemaker curriculum [4] with her to lay a foundation for self-control and godly behavior as she grows older. You can lead older children through our Discovering Relational Wisdom [5] and Relational Peacemaking [6] If you study as a family, you can spur one another on as you work to develop relational wisdom and peacemaking skills together (see these comments from children ages 8 to 21 [7]). As you study, pray regularly with your family for the Holy Spirit to help each of you to grow in necessary ways.
“Sixth, be alert to the moments when your daughter makes wise choices, either by acting in kind and godly ways, by avoiding sinful behavior or by quickly confessing when she stumbles. The more you commend godly behavior, the more motivated your daughter will be to repeat it. Realize that change takes time, however, so don’t expect consistent behavior right away.
“Seventh, pray every day that God will give you grace to model all the principles and skills you want your daughter to develop, including being willing to quickly confess when you’ve done something wrong, such as losing your temper or speaking disrespectfully or sharply to your spouse or children. As 1 Timothy 3:15 teaches, ‘Practice these things, immerse yourself in them, so that all my see your progress.’”
~ Ken Sande
Reflection Questions:
- Do you think this approach is too lenient? If so, spend a few minutes reflecting on God’s astonishing patience, kindness, mercy and forgiveness toward us, as described in Psalm 103:8-14 and Ezekiel 33:11. You may have to increase the consequences with a highly rebellious child, just as God did with Israel, but it’s always best to start gently and mercifully, as God does with us.
- Which of the seven principles described above have you failed to follow in the past? How has that worked for you and your children?
- Which of these principles do you model consistently in front of your children? Which ones do you need to ask God to help you improve on in the future?
- How do you think your child will respond to these seven steps if you practice them consistently in the days ahead?
- Is it reasonable to expect your child to change immediately if you start practicing these principles? How long have you been working to overcome some of your bad habits? Since God has been enormously patient and gracious with you, how patient and gracious do you want to be with your child?
Permission to distribute: Please feel free to download, print, or electronically share this message in its entirety for non-commercial purposes, whether with a few friends or as a staff, ministry or church devotional.
© 2025 Ken Sande
Would you like to receive future posts like this? Subscribe now [8]