Tom called me for advice on how to deal with an 18-year-old church member, Tina, who was pregnant out of wedlock (names changed).
Half of his elder board thought Tina should appear before them to confess her sin and demonstrate repentance. The other half did not want to see her shamed and suggested that she simply write a letter of confession.
Tom’s conversations with Tina had not gone well. She dreaded facing the elders and other church members, so she told Tom she would simply resign her membership in the church. Tom interpreted her response as a failure to truly repent. The more he admonished her, the more defensive she and her parents became.
After hearing Tom’s description of his conversations with Tina, I asked him if he had a Bible nearby. When he said yes, I asked him to open it to Isaiah 40:11 and read it over the phone. This is what it says:
“He tends his flock like a shepherd: He gathers the lambs in his arms and carries them close to his heart; he gently leads those that have young.”
When he finished reading, I asked him a hypothetical question: “If Tina was reading through Isaiah today and came to this verse, would she pause and say, ‘That’s exactly how my pastor has treated me in this situation’?”
There was a long pause on the phone. After mentally replaying his words to her, Tom finally said, “No, I don’t think that’s what she would say.”
I responded, “Then perhaps the next move you should make is to drive over to her home, meet with her and her parents face-to-face, and confess that you have failed to shepherd her through this crisis in a way that reflects the kindness and gentleness of Christ.”
Tom had the humility to do what I suggested, and we talked a while longer to develop a grace-filled path forward.
He later reported to me that when he met with Tina and her parents that afternoon, he began by reading the passage from Isaiah. Tina flinched when he opened his Bible, fearing further correction. Her face softened as he read, however, and her eyes filled with tears. When he confessed his failure to love and shepherd her as Jesus would, both she and her parents began to sob.
A new kind of conversation opened between them. Finally sensing gentleness and compassion from her pastor—hearing him weep with her rather than admonish her—she felt safe at last to open her heart and share her feelings of shame, guilt and fear. The father of her baby was not a Christian and was pressuring her to get an abortion. She knew what she had done was wrong, and she knew that killing her baby would be an ever greater wrong, so now she felt trapped, hopeless and alone.
Tom responded with the good news of the gospel and reminded her of Jesus’ promise to forgive and restore all who turn to him in genuine repentance. Tom acknowledged that as a fellow sinner, he needed Jesus’ grace and forgiveness just as much as Tina did. As the cloud of guilt and fear was blown away by the hope of the gospel, they began to work together to plan a path forward.
Realizing that Tina’s pregnancy would soon be evident to others, they agreed that this was not a situation that could be kept private. They also realized that without guidance from the elders, people in the church would not know how to engage Tina, which would inevitably lead to awkward encounters that made it hard for her to attend church. Therefore, they agreed to schedule a special congregational meeting where they could invite the entire church into Tina’s redemption journey.
During that meeting, Tina shared a personal testimony in which she tearfully acknowledged her sin and described the pain she had brought upon herself and her family. She then shifted the focus to God, praising and thanking him for the grace and forgiveness that he had granted her through Jesus and his gospel. She also spoke directly to the other teenagers in the church, describing the guilt and shame she had experienced and how her plans for college had been disrupted. She pleaded with her fellow teens not to go down the road she was walking.
Tom stand beside her throughout her testimony. When she finished speaking, he put his arm around her and affirmed the sincerity of her repentance and the forgiveness she had received from God. He then warned the congregation that if anyone judged her or gave her the cold shoulder, he would be coming to them to address their sin of judging a forgiven sister in Christ. Finally, he outlined a plan for the church to circle around Tina as she took responsibility for the tiny life God was placing in her care.
After Tom finished speaking, church members rushed forward to embrace her and mingle their tears with hers. Her fears of ongoing shame and embarrassment were swept away, and for the next several months she was blessed with an outpouring of love and support. In the end, Tina decided that the best way for her to care for her baby was to offer him up for adoption to a young couple in another city. Her heart ached as she passed him into their arms, but she was comforted by the fact that her church continued to wrap its arms around her.
You Can Show the Same Gentleness to Others
The gentleness and compassion that finally flowed through Tom into the life of this frightened young woman can also flow through you and me when God places us in a position to minister to others. It may be your spouse or child who feels weak and discouraged … either because of difficult circumstances or their own recurring sin. Another time it may be a friend, employee or co-worker.
Whatever the relationship or circumstances, if God has given you a position of influence in a hurting person’s life, ask him to also give you the heart of a shepherd—a Christ-like shepherd. Reflect on the gentleness, kindness and mercy he has lavished on you through the gospel.
Then pass it on to others in a such a way that if they happen to be reading in Isaiah and come to the eleventh verse in chapter forty, they will say that’s exactly how you treated them.
– Ken Sande
Reflection Questions:
- Describe a time when someone showed you an amazing amount of gentleness and compassion. How did that act reflect the love of Christ?
- Unpack Isaiah 40:11 more fully. What picture or action does each major word or phrase describe to you? For example, what comes to mind when you read the words, “He gathers them in his arms and carries them close to his heart”?
- Is there someone in your life who you can love and encourage this way today? Please do it.
- Yes, I know that some people will take advantage of your gentleness, and that at times it will be necessary to firmly admonish others in order to encourage needed repentance (see chapters 7-9 in The Peacemaker). But before you move to that level, it’s usually wise to ask God to work through your empathy, gentleness, and compassion. Try it and see what he can do.
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© 2025 Ken Sande
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