When people learn about Relational Wisdom 360, they often ask, “What’s the difference between relational wisdom and peacemaking, and why, after devoting thirty years to biblical conflict resolution, did you shift your focus to this new concept?”
One of the best ways to answer these questions is to tell a parable about drowning people …
There was small village located on a wide and dangerous river. One day a young man standing on the bank noticed someone floundering in the water. He jumped into the river and after much effort pulled the drowning man to safety.
The next day a woman saw another person struggling in the water, and she too risked her life to save him. When this cycle repeated itself several times in the following days, the elders realized they had a serious problem on their hands.
“Many people are in danger of drowning in our river,” they said. “Lives are at stake! We must do all we can to save these people.”
Working together, the villagers steadily improved their life-saving practices. They stationed canoes on the bank and assigned pairs of rescuers to work together in regular shifts. They lit bonfires on the shore at night, and eventually strung ropes across the river, which drowning people could grab as they floated by.
These techniques were not always successful, but through their diligence the villagers steadily improved their ability to save people who were struggling in the river.
One older woman watched these noble efforts with quiet reflection, and eventually asked a simple question.
“This is good work you are doing,” she said. “Many lives have been saved through your efforts and other villages are imitating your efforts.”
“But tell me,” she said, “would it not be wise to learn why so many people fall into the river and float by our village? Perhaps we could do something to keep them from getting into this trouble in the first place.”
Humbled by the wisdom in her question, the elders sent an expedition upstream that very day. A mile above their village they discovered an old bridge. A section of its termite-eaten planks had broken, leaving a large gap. Clearly, anyone who used that bridge risked falling into the river below.
Realizing this must be the primary reason people had been floating by their village, the expedition repaired the bridge with fresh ropes and new planks.
The number of people floating by the village dropped dramatically. Of course, there were still people who stumbled off the riverbank and found themselves floundering in the river. They were certainly thankful that the village still trained and posted rescue teams.
But by fixing the bridge, the elders greatly reduced the number of people who fell into the river in the first place … reducing the number who drowned before they got to the village, as well as the workload of the teams who still stood ready to help.
This parable illustrates the need for an integrated “CPR” (Conflict Prevention and Resolution) program that equips Christians to be both proactive and reactive when it comes to conflict.
This is why I developed the relational wisdom training paradigm, which is a God-centered, biblically grounded, gospel empowered form of emotional intelligence. This training helps people to “get upstream” of conflict by improving their ability to read and manage emotions in themselves and others, and to develop greater humility, empathy, self-control, compassion and related skills that strengthen relationships and prevent conflict.
Realizing that conflict will still occur in a fallen world, it important that people learn biblical peacemaking skills, which will enable them to resolve most of their conflicts through personal confession, gentle correction, forgiveness and interest-based negotiation.
Some conflicts are so complex that people cannot resolve them on their own. This is why it wise for churches to train a few gifted members as conflict coaches and conciliators who can serve on in-house Peace Sower Teams and provide biblically grounded coaching, mediation and arbitration services to resolve disputes that members cannot settle on their own.
If you would like to improve your relational and peacemaking skills and also see your church, ministry or business develop a robust “”CPR” (Conflict Prevention and Resolution) capacity, please take advantage of our integrated training resources, which you can access through RW360’s Bookstore and Training and Certification Program.
As you take advantage of these resources, you can become increasingly effective at both preventing and resolving conflict … and building relationships that reflect the transforming power of Jesus and his gospel.
– Ken Sande
Reflection Questions
- How does the old saying, “An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure” apply to bankruptcy? Heart-attacks? Divorce? Conflict in general?
- How does the gospel empower and guide both conflict prevention and conflict resolution? (see RW and the Gospel)
- How can improved God-awareness, self-awareness, and other-awareness help to prevent conflict? To resolve conflict?
- How can the ability to understand “idols of the heart” improve both relational and peacemaking abilities?
- How can improved skills in biblical negotiation (the PAUSE Principle) help to prevent conflict? To resolve conflict?
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© 2014 Ken Sande
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