After two painfully intense mediation sessions, Dave and Don were still miles apart and more bitter than ever.
Best friends since high school, Don had hired Dave to manage his construction crews. Working long hours together, they built a highly successful company. But then a series of management disagreements escalated into a heated argument that resulted in Don shouting, “I’m sick of your disrespect. You’re fired!”
Dave stormed out of the building and filed a wrongful discharge lawsuit the next day.
A few months later, they were both sitting in my office, hoping I could mediate a settlement that would bring an end to the lawsuit. But their hearts were so hardened against each other that they rejected every solution I suggested.
So I gave them an unexpected homework assignment. Since both men professed to be Christians, I opened my Bible and read Philippians 4:8 to them:
Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things.
Then I said, “I want you to go home and write that passage at the top of a piece of paper. Then pray that God would help you to remember everything about the other person that is true, honorable, just, pure, lovely, commendable, excellent or worthy of praise, and then write those things on your piece of paper.”
One of the men mumbled, “That won’t take long.” The other said, “You’ve got to be kidding.”
I gave them a stern look and said, “I’m absolutely serious. When we meet tomorrow I will ask each of you to read your list out loud, and we won’t go back to discussing your legal issues until you live out your faith and make a sincere effort to see each other in the light of this passage.”
When they walked into my office the next morning, something had obviously changed. We sat down at the table and prayed, and then I asked Don to read his list. He slowly unfolded his piece of paper but was unable to speak for a few moments. Finally, the words began to flow …
Don admitted that when he started to write his list he had a hard time thinking of anything positive about Dave. But as he kept praying, old memories started coming to mind. Their crazy high school years together. Double-dating the girls they would one day marry. The graduation trip down the California coast. Launching a business and struggling to turn a profit.
The emotions triggered by these memories helped Don to see past the bitterness that had been clouding his heart for the past few months. As a result, he was able to describe some of the commendable, excellent and praiseworthy qualities Dave had displayed over the many years of their friendship, which included loyalty, honesty, diligence, fairness, integrity, patience, humor, perseverance, forgiveness … to name just a few.
But the climax of his statement came when he recalled the summer he and Dave had been completing a project in Yellowstone Park. Looking at Dave with a softer look than he had the day before, Don said this:
“Do you remember that we took our motorcycles with us that summer? One evening we went for a ride and stopped overlooking some ponds near Yellowstone Lake. Down below us was a moose and her calf. As you looked at them, tears came into your eyes. When I asked what was going on, you told me that Cindy had called that day to tell you she was pregnant. You shared how excited and how scared you were at the idea of being a father. Janie and I were expecting too, so you and I just sat there and shared our fears and our dreams about raising our families.” After a long pause, Don continued, “I don’t think I’d ever felt so close to another man in my entire life as I did at that moment.”
By the time Don got to this point in his story, both he and Dave had tears streaming down their cheeks. Don finally collected himself enough to say, “The dumbest I’ve ever done was to fire you. Could we somehow turn the clock back and undo my stupid decision?”
At that point, they no longer needed a mediator. Don’s confession triggered the “Golden Result,” which is “other people usually treat us the way we treat them.” As a result, I was able to just sat back and listened as two old friends confessed and forgave their wrongs against one another, and then moved on to restore the relationship that they had nearly lost.
It doesn’t always turn out like this, but you’ll still have a clearer perspective and a freer heart if you ask God to help you see and acknowledge whatever is true, honorable, just, pure, lovely, commendable, excellent or worthy of praise in the people around you … even when they are currently disappointing, irritating or even suing you.
– Ken Sande
PS: Within minutes of sending this post, I received the following text message from a dear friend, which reinforces my point so perfectly:
I cried when I read reconciled by a moose. I think every small business owner like myself can relate to that story. I think of my brother, my brother-in-law, and my current partner Greg. In each case (three different businesses) I can still picture the moment of conflict that nearly ruined us. We had a choice, either reconcile or part ways. By God’s grace we reconciled in all three cases. I cried because while reading the story I flashed back thinking through the conflict and then reflecting on all the good in these men. So I could totally identify with this story. Years of business have a way of tiring us out and our filters get clogged and we snap at things we shouldn’t. It was a good reminder to clean out my filter with God’s Word. Sorry for the long text but this one just hit home and I had to reach out and say thank you for all you do. RZ
Reflection Questions
- Philippians 4:8 is just one of several steps the Apostle Paul urged two conflicted women to take in order to resolve their differences (see Phil. 4:2-9). Why do you think he urged them to think about what was true, honorable, just, pure, lovely, commendable, excellent or worthy of praise in the midst of a conflict? How can this help us to have a “clearer perspective and freer heart”?
- Read Philippians 4:2-9. What other steps did Paul urge Euodia and Syntyche to take? How would those steps help them to move toward reconciliation?
- If you can’t think about anything true, honorable, just, pure, lovely, commendable, excellent or worthy of praise in a person with whom you’re in conflict, how could it help to reflect on what is true, honorable, just, pure, lovely, commendable, excellent and worthy of praise in God himself?
- How could you apply the wisdom of Philippians 4:2-9 to a difficult relationship in your life today?
- For a more detailed application of Philippians 4:2-9, see The Peacemaker: A Biblical Guide to Resolving Personal Conflict (pp. 83-90).
Permission to distribute: Please feel free to download, print, or electronically share this message in its entirety for non-commercial purposes with as many people as you like.
© 2016 Ken Sande
Would you like to receive future posts like this? Subscribe now!
