I’ve seen hundreds of terribly damaged relationships restored over the years.

Whether the break was caused by adultery, embezzlement, broken contracts, wrongful termination or even physical or sexual abuse, I’ve seen God bring about amazing reconciliations again and again.

But there’s one relationship that I’ve seldom seen restored.

When pastors’ relationships with their leadership teams are badly damaged, in my experience they rarely regain a truly respectful, trusting and productive ministry relationship ever again.

This is why leadership tensions need to be recognized and addressed immediately and rigorously, the same way that we address a diagnosis of stage 4 cancer. There is not a minute to lose when serious leadership tensions arise. There is no time for denial, self-pity, blame-shifting or political maneuvering. These responses only pour gasoline on the fire.

In many situations, the wisest path forward is for a pastor to set an inspiring example by embracing the redeeming power of the gospel and asking God to help him model Matthew 7:3-5 (“get the log out of your own eye”) through humble self-examination. Even if other leaders are contributing greatly to the tension, a pastor’s humble willingness to focus first on his contribution will sometimes trigger the “Golden Result” (people usually treat us the way we treat them). God can use the pastor’s example to inspire other leaders to take responsibility for their own actions, which could start a wave of healing confession and repentance.

There is no guarantee that this approach will result in genuine reconciliation. But it often offers the best possibility for restoration in these situations (as illustrated in the “Amazing Reconciliation” story below).

Leaders who fail to set this kind of example usually regret it. When tensions are allowed to fester, leaders can become so estranged that they part without even a semblance of repentance and reconciliation. Some leave the ministry altogether, while those who attempt to start a new ministry rarely see abundant fruit.

There are a variety of theories as to why a pastoral relationship is so difficult to repair once its been badly damaged. Perhaps it’s because we tend to put our pastors “up on a pedestal,” and once they’ve fallen down in a significant way, we find it difficult to respect and trust them the way we used to.

It could also be because some pastors put themselves up on a pedestal. Once they stumble and know that we no longer view them as being examples of advanced spiritual maturity, they may feel they no longer command sufficient respect and admiration to lead.

In some situations, healing is blocked by a consuming battle for control. Power and control are two of the most seductive forces in the human heart, and church leaders often blind themselves to how they are using the Bible to justify a sinful craving to control a church. In small churches, a clique of members, often related by blood or marriage, may go to great lengths to hold onto control. Whoever the players may be, a consuming battle for control will inevitably wound if not destroy a church (see Gal. 5:15).

Pride and unforgiveness play a major role in many leadership conflicts. Pride can make it difficult for church leaders to ask for help and to humbly and honestly face their own sins and failures. Therefore, they often waste weeks or months blaming others for their problems or engaging in political maneuvering instead of seeking God’s grace to get to the root of their problems and change themselves. Even if a pastor or other leaders sincerely seek to change, others may refuse to model Christ’s forgiveness and support a gracious rebuilding of their relationship. As new wounds are inflicted and trauma increases, respect and trust are steadily drained away. Eventually the desire to work together is killed altogether, and everyone decides it’s better to simply part ways.

In some cases, the failure to achieve restoration is because the pastor was not truly called to pastoral ministry in the first place. As one seminary president put it, “All too often, our seminaries attract intellectual introverts who are relationally challenged.” Just because a man has a high IQ and finds pleasure standing in front of people to preach God’s word, that doesn’t mean he is actually called to pastoral ministry. A genuine call will be revealed by the gifting to be an imitator of Christ (1 Cor. 11:1), which reveals itself in the pastoral ability to model humility, read other people’s emotions and needs, show genuine compassion, forgive quickly and completely, bear with others’ weaknesses and model the fruit of the Holy Spirit. No man displays these qualities perfectly, but if this is not the usual inclination of a pastor, ongoing relational conflict will often drive him from his pulpit.

Whatever the cause, in my experience the pattern is sadly consistent: badly damaged relationships between pastors and their leadership teams are extremely difficult to repair.

Therefore, this is certainly one relationship where “an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure.”

Here are four practical ways to prevent this kind of relational breakdown.

First, draw on the wisdom in books like Dangerous Calling, Pastors at Risk and Make Smart Choices, which provide invaluable insights and practical suggestions on how to avoid many of the attitudes and behaviors that damage leadership relationships.

Second, encourage your entire church leadership team (pastors, elders, deacons, ministry leaders, etc.) to go through our online course, Relational Wisdom 3.0. If this training resonates with your team, encourage your leaders to take their relational and peacemaking skills to a deeper level through our RW Shepherd course. To strengthen the relational and peacemaking skills of your entire congregation, implement the action plan set forth in Bringing Relational Wisdom into Your Church. As your leadership team and your entire congregation study and practice these biblical relational skills, you can protect your church from becoming one of the tragic statistics described in Strike the Shepherd).

 Third, schedule regular leadership retreats where you focus on deepening personal relationships, celebrating God’s work through your team, and candidly addressing any disappointments or tensions that are creeping into your relationships.

Fourth, if tensions develop in your leadership team, address them quickly, graciously and honestly, before they have time to grow into major problems. Renounce self-pity, denial and blame-shifting and get serious about removing the logs in your own eyes (see Introducing Relational Peacemaking). If you do not achieve complete restoration through your own efforts, seek conciliation assistance from one of RW360’s Certified RW Conciliators. This takes time, effort and money, but it can help your team fully reconcile, regain ministry vigor and display the redeeming power of the gospel, as described in Leadership Meltdown Leads to Amazing Reconciliation. As illustrated by this story, conciliation can help a leadership team resolve substantive issues such as theological differences, missional priorities, staff responsibilities and matters of personal preference, such as communication or worship styles.

It will be hard for busy leaders to take these kinds of proactive steps. The tyranny of urgent tends to keep us from seeing future dangers and taking steps to avoid them.

But wise leaders (and the loving people who surround them) see these kinds of dangers and move to protect themselves and their congregations from the pain and damage of fatally damaged leadership relationships (see Prov. 22:3).

– Ken Sande

PS – If you would like to see a vivid example of how the “Golden Result” (people usually treat us how we treat them) can heal a church leadership conflict, see A Wave of Confessions Saves a Church.

PPS – If you were forced to leave ministry as a result of relational conflict and still believe that God has called you to ministry, there is still hope. Our God is a God of redemption. When you read Three Ways to Overcome a Crippling Ministry Loss, you may discover that like Jacob you have actually been wrestling with God and that he is giving you a “limp” that can set the stage for a whole new season of ministry.

Reflection Questions

• Why do you think pastors and leadership teams are rarely reconciled after experiencing serious conflict?
• Have you ever been in a church where the pastor had a serious falling out with the leadership team? How did they handle it? How did it turn out for them? How did it impact the church?
• Have you ever been in a church were the pastor and the leadership team successfully resolve some serious differences? What was the key to their success? Were they able to continue working together?  How did it impact the church?
• Which of the three steps above will you encourage in your church today?

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© 2026 Ken Sande

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