As the following real-life examples illustrate, God’s peacemaking principles are powerful enough to bring justice and reconciliation in seemingly impossible situations.
It’s not often that pastoral counseling sets the stage for a kidnapping, a $200 million lawsuit and crying attorneys. But that is exactly what happened when Cindy and Clark went to their pastor for marriage counseling.
After several meetings, the three of them somehow reached the inexplicable conclusion that the solution to their marital distress was to give their newborn baby up for adoption … to the pastor’s daughter and son-in-law, who was also a pastor in the same denomination.
Cindy and Clark later changed their minds and asked for their baby back. But by then the adoptive parents had moved to a secret location in another state.
After two painfully intense mediation sessions, Dave and Don were still miles apart and more bitter than ever.
Best friends since high school, Don had hired Dave to manage his construction crews. Working long hours together, they built a highly successful company. But then a series of management disagreements escalated into a heated argument that resulted in Don shouting, “I’m sick of your disrespect. You’re fired!”
Dave stormed out of the building and filed a wrongful discharge lawsuit the next day.
A few months later, they were both sitting in my office, hoping I could mediate a settlement that would bring an end to the lawsuit. But their hearts were so hardened against each other that they rejected every solution I suggested.
It’s not often that an attorney loses a lawsuit, along with her two-million-dollar contingency fee, and yet walks away satisfied.
I’ve seen similar satisfaction with employees who didn’t get a promotion. With church members who disagreed with their pastors. And with children who could not escape discipline.
The relationship-saving concept in each of these situations is surprisingly simple and yet amazingly effective, whether in a courtroom, business, church or home. It’s called the “Three P’s of Satisfaction.”
Before I explain it, let me tell you about the attorney who lost the fee of a lifetime.
Alicia was born prematurely. Worse yet, she was born near the end of an exhausting NICU (newborn intensive care unit) shift. Two overworked nurses failed to properly connect the life support system in her incubator. As a result, little Alicia died just a few hours after she was born.
Recognizing its legal exposure, the hospital circled its wagons. They called in their attorneys, put the nurses on leave and waited for the lawsuit.
Of course, Alicia’s parents were devastated. For several days all they could do was grieve the loss of their baby. Well-meaning friends came to comfort them, and one of them pointed out that they had grounds for a major lawsuit against the nurses and the hospital.
As the parents prayed about the situation, however, they sensed that God was leading them down a different path.
At last, he had his chance. Clutching his prepared statement in his hand, Mark sat down in the front pew, ready to get even with the elders.
Six months earlier they had refused to support his promotion to senior pastor. They had stood silently by when Mark was slandered in a congregational meeting. Worst of all, some of them had repeatedly talked about him behind his back, voicing their doubts about his ability to fill the shoes of their retiring pastor.
After months of escalating tension, the elders finally called in a team of trained conciliators. During two three-day visits, the conciliators taught peacemaking to the congregation, facilitated personal discussions, and encouraged Mark and the elders to set an example for the church by acknowledging their own contributions to the problem.
Sexual abuse in the church does not have to end in broken lives, agonizing lawsuits, and divided congregations. When people follow God’s ways and words, these terrible incidents can result in healing, justice and healthier churches.
When victims of abuse first come forward, I have found that most of them are seeking four reasonable responses. First, they are looking for understanding, compassion and emotional support. Second, they want the church to admit that the abuse occurred and to acknowledge that it was wrong. Third, they want people to take steps to protect others from similar harm. And fourth, they expect compensation for the expense of needed counseling.
As happens all too often, City Churches’ rapid growth set them up for serious conflict, which led to multiple leadership resignations.
Pastor Todd was an outstanding preacher, but organizational leadership was not one of his strengths. This deficiency, along with a few others, became increasingly apparent as the church grew, but the elders were afraid to address these issues directly out of fear of hurting his feelings. Instead, they decided to reorganize the churches’ leadership into three teams to oversee the administration, care and teaching of the church.
Because they had not candidly discussed all the reasons for the reorganization with Todd, he felt like the change was a demotion that forced him to focus on teaching while removing his broader leadership and pastoral responsibilities. This planted a root of bitterness and insecurity.
XYZ Translators (all names changed) was about to lose a ten-year investment in learning the language of a remote tribe in Africa. John and Janice had lived with the tribe for a decade, building relationships, mastering their vocabulary and creating an alphabet they could use to write a New Testament Bible in their language.
Then John had an intense argument with XYZ’s Africa Director.
Years of technical disagreements and personal irritations had stretched their relationship like a rubber band. All of that tension was shockingly released when a minor financial disagreement exploded in a heated exchange over the phone. When the Director’s anger boiled over with a threat to remove John from his assignment, John struck back with an even greater threat.
One of the cases referred to us by a major arbitration organization involved a large contract dispute. Although the facts and the law were clearly in the defendant’s favor, the plaintiff’s attorney did a masterful job advocating her client’s position. Testimony that could have been presented in a few hours stretched into three long days, and for a while, even I was beginning to wonder whether the plaintiff had been treated unfairly.
By the time both sides rested their cases, however, it was clear to me that the plaintiff had breached the contract and that the defendant’s subsequent actions were justified, both legally and morally.
I knew that my decision would probably destroy the plaintiff’s last hope of salvaging his business, and I felt badly when I denied his claim. What disturbed me even more, however, was the realization that this young man had been deluded by his own attorney.
Explore how peacemaking and conciliation can help resolve conflicts, foster understanding, and build stronger relationships.
