Frequently Asked Questions About Relational Wisdom

The answers to the following questions are necessarily brief and do not cover every related contingency. For more detailed information on applying relational wisdom (RW), our online courses, (Discovering Relational Wisdom (faith-based) or Exploring Relational Wisdom (secular/values-based)). If you have suggestions on how to improve any of these answers, please email mail@rw360.org. Also, if you have questions that are not addressed below, please feel free to send them to mail@rw360.org. We may add them to this list!

Where did the term “relational wisdom” come from? Ken Sande coined the term “relational wisdom®” in 2012 when he began to develop a God-centered, biblically grounded, gospel-driven form of emotional intelligence. The term is now a registered trademark.

What was the reason for developing the relational wisdom paradigm? During his 30 years leading Peacemaker Ministries, Ken had the privilege of seeing God enable Christians to use the principles of biblical peacemaking to resolve hundreds of seemingly intractable conflicts. After three decades of “putting out the fires of conflict,” however, Ken saw a need to develop resources that would help people “prevent the fires of conflict.” He also wanted to develop a way to take these resources—and the gospel itself—into secular venues. The Peacemaker Board did not feel that God was leading the ministry in that direction, so in 2012 Ken stepped down and launched RW360 to produce resources that help people improve their ability to manage emotions, strengthen relationships and prevent conflict.

Does the Bible explain the purpose for which God gave us emotions? There is no explicit statement in the Bible about the purpose for which God gave us emotions (e.g., “God gave us emotions so that …”). Therefore, his purpose must be derived by implication. In lesson 2 of Discovering Relational Wisdom, we explain that the primary purpose of emotions is to “move us to action,” much like the wind moves a sailboat. You can see this connection between emotion and action in passages like Matthew 9:36, 14:14 and 15:32, Luke 7:13, 10:33, 15:20, and many similar passages throughout Scripture where the emotion of compassion moved Jesus to immediate comforting action.

When people are at their best, they are often moved by emotion to treat others with compassion, kindness, mercy and forgiveness. But because of the Fall and what is often referred to as the “noetic effects of sin,” emotions like jealousy, bitterness and anger can often move people to treat others sinfully (such as Joseph’s brothers selling him into slavery and the Jewish leaders arranging for Jesus’ crucifixion).

Through the gospel, God empowers us to progressively put off these sinful tendencies, have our minds and emotions renewed, and “put on the new self, created after the likeness of God in true righteousness and holiness” (Eph. 4:22-24). For a more detailed discussion of emotions, we recommend Brian Borgman’s book, Feelings and Faith.

Is there a difference between “emotions” and “feelings”? Emotions are often defined as the initial, often involuntary chemical, physiological and psychological reactions to internal or external stimuli. These reactions may include things like increased heart rate, adrenaline release, changes in facial expressions, or impulsive behavior like “amygdala hijacking.” Examples of emotions include joy, sadness, fear, anger and surprise. Emotions are often considered universal and are thought to be present in all humans.

Feelings, on the other hand, are often thought of as the conscious interpretation and subjective experience of those emotions, and are typically shaped by personal beliefs, experiences and memories. For example, if someone is experiencing the emotion of fear, they might feel anxious, worried or terrified, depending on their personal experiences and beliefs. Feelings can also be influenced by social and cultural factors that lead to reactions like shame, guilt, embarrassment, resentment, bitterness, envy, jealousy or hatred, which can lead to harmful behavior, such as Joseph’s brothers selling him into slavery (Gen. 37:12-36) or Judas committing suicide (Matt. 27:3-5).

RW360’s foundational training addresses all these dynamics and provides practical ways to develop skills and habits that enable you to read and manage both emotions and feelings more effectively and constructively. Therefore, in our training we typically use the word “emotion” to refer to both emotions and feelings.

What are the differences between emotional intelligence and relational wisdom? Emotional intelligence, which is frequently referred to as “EI” or “EQ” (for “emotional quotient”), involves reading and managing emotions in yourself and others. Most secular training in emotional intelligence focuses exclusively on emotions and how they move us. Most secular training is also “values neutral,” meaning it discourages people from labeling emotions as good or bad and does not teach how to use our personal values to guide our response to emotions.

In contrast, relational wisdom focuses not only on emotions but also on other key motivators, including our interests, dreams and abilities. More importantly, RW teaches people to use the personal values that arise from our faith or worldview to guide their responses to emotions. Thus, the faith-based (Christian) version of RW is defined as “your ability to discern emotions, interests and abilities in yourself and others, to interpret them in light of God’s Word, and to use these insights to manager your responses and relationships constructively.” The values-based (secular) version of RW is defined as “your ability to discern emotions, interests and abilities in yourself and others, to interpret them in light of your personal values, and to use these insights to manager your responses and relationships constructively.”

Is emotional intelligence different from the biblical concept of discernment? If so, how? As explained above, traditional emotional intelligence focuses only on identifying and managing emotions.

In contrast, biblical discernment is the spiritual ability to understand and distinguish between truth and error, good and evil, and God’s will from other influences. It involves applying God’s Word to one’s life, thinking God’s thoughts, and seeking God’s guidance in decision-making.

Thus, improving one’s spiritual capacity of discernment is a key to reading and managing emotions, and the words and actions that flow from emotions, in a constructive and God-honoring manner.

Why do you use the acrostic “SOG” instead of “GOS,” which would put God first and line up more consistently with how you present the RW diagram? The primary reason we use SOG rather than GOS is simply because it sounds better and is more memorable. It is not to make self-awareness more important than God-awareness (something we emphasize during our full seminar). A secondary reason is that SOG recognizes the reality that most people don’t usually live with a constant focus on God; rather they are focused on their own life experience, which will often drive them to God (a pattern that is repeated over and over in the Psalms, see, e.g., Ps. 77). SOG is not a theological statement of priority; it’s just a simple acrostic that helps people to remember that we always need to be thinking three dimensionally about our relationships: self-aware, other-aware and, most importantly, God-aware.

How can I discern between appropriate emotions and misleading or deceiving emotions? One way to address this question is to consider the teachings of Ignatius on “consolation and desolation.” According to Ignatius, consolation refers to a feeling of peace, joy, a sense of God’s presence and a desire to serve God and others, while desolation is the opposite, characterized by a lack of faith, hope, and love, leading to a sense of unease, discouragement, dryness and a sense of being separated from God. It’s not simply about feeling good or bad but about discerning the true source of these emotions and whether they are drawing us closer to or further away from God.

When attempting to discern these differences it is helpful to avoid an immediate or impulsive reaction to our emotions and to engage the reasoning part of our brain and seek the leading of the Holy Spirit by asking ourselves questions like these:

  • Is this emotion likely to move me to act in a way that is pleasing and honoring to God?
  • Is this emotion likely to move me to serve others and display the qualities of Christ, such as mercy, kindness, compassion, gentleness and forgiveness?
  • When I’ve given into this emotion in the past, have I usually honored God and strengthened my relationships, or have I later realized I dishonored God and damaged my relationships?

To improve your ability to discern how to evaluate emotions, it is helpful to memorize and practice the READ acrostic, which is explained in detail in our blog post on Amygdala Hijacking.

What are some of the strengths or benefits of high emotional intelligence? High emotional intelligence can boost personal well-being, interpersonal relationships, and professional success. It enhances self-awareness, self-regulation, and the ability to understand and manage emotions, leading to better communication, conflict resolution, and stronger relationships. These benefits often translate into improve job performance and career advancement.

What are some of the weaknesses of high emotional intelligence or ways that EI skills can be misused? How can relational wisdom help me to avoid misusing these skills? Some individuals with high emotional intelligence (EI) may struggle with creativity, innovation, and unconventional thinking, as they tend to prioritize relationships and conformity. They may also face challenges giving and receiving negative feedback due to their sensitivity, potentially hindering constructive dialogue. High EI can also be misused for manipulation and social maneuvering, leading to negative outcomes in workplace dynamics.

When watching the video about May Braddock getting hijacked as her husband taught boxing to their son, I realized I would have reacted the same way. What should she have done differently? What might her husband have done differently? If May had gone through relational wisdom training, she would have learned to use the READ acrostic to improve her self-awareness and self-engagement. She would have Recognized and named her emotion more quickly, which would have turned on her neocortex, where her reasoning and impulse control processes are located. She would have then Evaluated her emotion, and realized it was originating a deep fear of her husband being killed and her family being destitute. Next, she would have Anticipated that if she let this emotion build, she would soon explode in anger. Finally, she would have Directed the emotion in a constructive direction, either by turning to her husband and calmly but firmly saying, “Jimmy, right now the thought of our kids ever boxing terrifies me, so would you please stop playing like this,” or by saying she needed to take a walk around the block to think and pray for a while.

If her husband had taken the relational wisdom course, he could have practiced the READ acrostic in reverse, listening to his wife’s plea to stop playing at boxing, recognizing her emotions, understanding her concerns, and channeling the play in a direction that would make her more comfortable. He could have also practiced elements of the SERVE acrostic by showing greater empathy toward his wive, drawing out her feelings about the upcoming boxing match, and valuing her needs and desires.

If relational wisdom is built on biblical principles, can non-Christians develop these skills even though they do not believe in the Bible or have the Holy Spirit in them? Yes. The Bible tells us that God has graciously given all people a limited capacity to develop skills that allow relationships and communities to exist. God gives these skills to all people in varying degrees, through a combination of general revelation and common grace.

General revelation is a knowledge of God’s existence, character, and moral and physical laws that he gives to all humanity generally. This knowledge comes through studying nature, through seeing God’s influence throughout history, and through an inner sense of God’s existence and laws that he has written onto every human heart because we are made in his image.

Every insight into how people behave and can form healthy relationships and stable societies (psychology, emotional intelligence, sociology, law, economics, etc.), as well as every insight into the laws of nature (physics, chemistry, aerodynamics, etc.) is a gift that God gives to us as a form of general revelation.

General revelation is distinct from special revelation, which refers to God’s words addressed to specific people, such as the words of Holy Scripture, the words of the prophets and the apostles, and the words of God spoken personally, such as at Mount Sinai or during Jesus’ earthly ministry.

Common grace is the grace that God pours out on all people to give them innumerable blessings that are not necessarily part of salvation. This grace includes temporal life, wisdom, knowledge, health, prosperity, happiness, and peace. It is called common because it is something he gives to all people in various degrees whether they believe in him or not.

Common grace is essential to our gaining knowledge through general revelation, for it is common grace that inhibits our sinful hostility toward God and our inclination to suppress his truth. It is this inhibiting quality of common grace that gives us the ability to comprehend and respond (although imperfectly) to what God discloses through general revelation.

Common grace does not save people from God’s judgment. The only way to be saved is through God’s special grace, which enables us to understand the good news of the gospel and trust that Jesus Christ died for our sins and was resurrected to give us new life.

Although general revelation and common grace do not lead to eternal salvation, they can allow even unsaved people to learn and practice many of the principles and skills of relational wisdom.

For a more detailed description of general revelation and common grace, click here.

How can relational wisdom help to reduce conflict or to resolve it more quickly when it arises? Relational wisdom (RW) can play a significant role in conflict resolution by enhancing self-awareness and self-control, which reduces the likelihood of impulsive reactions such as amygdala hijacking. RW also improves our ability to read others’ emotions and respond to them empathetically and constructively. RW also strengthens our ability to consciously consider God’s presence and purposes in every aspect of our lives, including potential conflict situations, leading us to prayerfully ask ourselves “What would please and honor God right now in this situation?”

What are some practical ways that I can improve my relational skills as a spouse, parent, friend or coworker? The most practical thing you can do is to register for one of RW360’s courses on relational wisdom (Discovering Relational Wisdom (faith-based) or Exploring Relational Wisdom (secular/values-based)), which will help you to learn relational skills you can practice in every area of your life.

Are there times when emotional hijacking warns us to get out of abusive, emotionally destructive relationships? There are definitely relationships that are so damaging that it is wise to withdraw (e.g., when King David had to flee into the dessert to avoid being killed by Saul). And yes, you’re right, our amygdala is designed to help us respond quickly to immediate threats of danger (like a poisonous snake at our feet). So, when we sense imminent harm (such as seeing a person with a violent history once again losing control of his temper), it is prudent and wise to immediately move to a place of safety or to seek appropriate protection or assistance, such as calling the police.

However, when it comes to withdrawing from a relationship permanently, such as getting a divorce, I would not advise someone to do it as an impulsive emotional reaction. Once they are safe from immediate harm, I’d urge them to get counseling and seek objective advice on how to deal with the situation. In some situations, serious counseling and accountability can change behavior sufficiently to save the relationship.

Even if that is not the case, I’d still advise people to carefully consider all the implications of leaving the relationship (e.g., in a divorce you have child custody issues and property settlement issues that could have enormous long-term implications). This is where having wise advisors to help someone discern the best course of action is invaluable. So, although our amygdala can warn us of imminent danger, we want to use our entire brain, thoughtfully and calmly, to plan our long-term responses.

I have close relatives who are mentally ill. They are verbally and emotionally abusive. They lie. They manipulate. They are exhausting. How do you use RW with people who just want to control and crush you? As Romans 12:18 says, “If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all.” As this passage implies, there are limits to how much and how long you should try to engage other people. Do all that you can within reason to engage them constructively, which may include a direct conversation about their behavior or seeking the involvement of an objective third party (Matt. 18:15-20). But if they don’t respond appropriately, you may need to establish appropriate boundaries to protect you from harm and to diminish their opportunities to sin (Prov. 14:7).

How can I use RW to disciple a young single mother who is a new believer and just came off drugs? Her story is an amazing story of God’s grace, mercy, power and love. She has a young daughter and is holding down a job for the first time in years. She lives in a building with other recovering people and works with people who are also recovering addicts. What would you recommend that I do that could help her with the relational issues that she is dealing with on a daily basis? How wonderful that you are serving as a channel of grace in this young woman’s life! There are several things you could do to help her grow in her relational skills:

First, strive to build a solid “passport” into her life, which means she comes to believe that she can trust you, that you love her and that you can actually help her (see Building Passport).

Second, if possible, try to help her find a more stable and constructive living and work situation so she is not surrounded by people who might tempt her back into her old ways. As 1 Corinthians 15:33 warns, “Bad company corrupts good character.”

You could then begin to disciple this young woman using various RW360 resources. I suggest that you begin by going through our Transformed by the Gospel Bible Study together.

You could also invite her to study our Discovering Relational Wisdom or Relational Peacemaking courses together. Each of you could complete one online lesson a week on your own time and then get together for coffee or a meal to discuss what you are learning.

If she likes to read, you could also read and discuss one of the books in our RW Bookstore together.

Finally, to give her a vision for passing RW and peacemaking skills on to her child, you could read and discuss these posts together: Preparing Children for Highly Relational Lives and Raising Empathetic Children. You could also get her a copy of our Young Peacemaker material so that she could eventually teach these concepts to her child.

Parenting

My four-year old daughter has a habit of lying to us about her sinful behavior. For example, if we find her standing near a wall covered with crayons, and she is still holding crayons in her hand, she will still deny that she did it. How can we free her from this habit? Your daughter is experiencing classic “fight/flight” behavior. There is a part of her brain called the “amygdala” that is designed to help her make instantaneous decisions when she encounters potential danger. For example, if she was in your backyard and suddenly saw a rattlesnake four feet away, her amygdala would signal her to instantly jump away from danger. This response is not dependent on the rational thinking and impulse control that takes place in the neocortex part of the brain. It happens instantly without rational thinking to protect her from imminent harm.

The neurological interplay between our amygdala and neocortex is part of God’s original creation design, but humanity’s Fall into sin (Genesis 3) has corrupted every part of our being, including our emotions, our reasoning and our will. This is often referred to as the “noetic effects of sin.” Therefore, our amygdala sometimes triggers instantaneous and sinful reactions, such as Peter’s denial of Christ. These types of reactions are often referred to as “amygdala hijacking.”

Your daughter has inherited this tendency. When you confront her about the crayon writing on the wall, her amygdala signals that she is in danger of discipline, and without taking time to consider the consequences of lying, she blurts out an automatic defensive lie, “I didn’t do it!”

The good news is that there are seven steps you can take to help her break free of this impulsive tendency. Click here to see these life-changing principles.

Do you have any advice on how we can engage our teenager daughter who is increasingly rejecting Christian values and is being drawn to values we believe are contrary God’s Word?

It is a challenging time to raise children, especially with all the pressure they receive through social media, friends and schools to embrace and affirm values that are contrary to traditional Christianity. Here are some practical steps you can consider taking to help your daughter to navigate this challenging period of her life. This is not a set formula, so you’ll need to modify and apply these ideas according to your convictions and her attitudes and needs.

Ultimately, only God can transform your daughter’s heart, so prayer is your most important strategy. As Oswald Chambers wrote, “Prayer does not prepare us for the greater work. Prayer is the greater work.”

As you pray for her, pray also for yourself, especially that God would give you grace to consistently display the fruit of the Holy Spirit as you engage her: “love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control” (Gal. 5:22-23).

Next to prayer, your most powerful influence on your daughter is your personal example (teens have an eagle eye for detecting inconsistencies and hypocrisy in their parents!). Therefore, pray daily for grace to live out the wisdom principle of 1 Timothy 4:15: “Practice these things, immerse yourself in them so that all may see your progress.” One way to apply this principle is to lead the way in studying and practicing the principles described in the following paragraphs.

Remember that lecturing teenagers usually provokes them to put up even higher walls. Therefore, ask God to help you learn how to respond to misbehavior by asking gentle, thought-provoking and well-timed questions, as illustrated in Spanglish – The Secret of Being Influential. To deepen your ability to ask questions that deepen your understanding of your daughter’s dreams, fears, desires and hopes, read What Is Their Story? and learn to use these kinds of Getting to Know Your Questions.

It is equally important to resist the temptation to automatically confront your teen with “the law” (the rules she has violated) when she misbehaves. Although it may be appropriate to eventually discuss the biblical and family values she may have violated, and also to bring appropriate discipline, in most situations it is far wiser to begin a conversation by first bringing her the gospel, as illustrated in Penetrating Barriers with the Gospel.”

When your daughter says or does something that seems to be contrary to your values, avoid jumping to conclusions and judging her motives. Instead, ask God for patience and give her the opportunity to explain her motives, as Russell Crowe demonstrates in The Compassionate Boxer. If you remain calm and give her the freedom to open her heart to you, you may discover that she had valid and perhaps commendable reasons for her actions. For guidance on how to avoid jumping to conclusions, read Charitable Judgments – An Antidote to Judging Others.

As a long-range strategy, pray for creative ways to draw your daughter into studying RW36 resources. Instead of forcing this material on her, however, use the following approach (modified to your own style of communicating) to invite her to read or study our resources and tell you what she thinks of them. For example,

“You’re at a point in life when you need to start deciding for yourself what values you will follow as you move out into the world. We have tried to teach you the values that we believe will bring you the greatest happiness, but you need to begin deciding for yourself how you are going to live your life once you leave our home. Rather than dictate to you what we think is best, we want to give you opportunities to tell us what you think is best. The way we would like to do this is to read or study different materials together and then have conversations where each of us can share our thoughts on those materials. If you are open to this, we would like to go first to suggest something to read, and then you can suggest something, and then we can alternate back and forth. If either side finds any material to be uncomfortable, they can ask for a different suggestion. Would you be willing to do this?”

If your daughter agrees, here are some materials you could suggest studying in whatever order seems best to you. If she begins to show a genuine interest in these concepts, share the entire list with her and invite her to choose the next topic to explore.

Another way to encourage your daughter to think more deeply about biblical relational principles is to ask her to lead her younger siblings through our Young Peacemaker curriculum. Many girls have a God-given inclination to nurture others, which you might be able to tap into by asking her to teach this material to her brothers and sisters. If she needs a little additional motivation, you could even turn this into a paying job.

No matter how diligent you are in applying these strategies, don’t expect immediate changes. (How fast have you overcome your sinful attitudes and habits?) Instead, be patient and gentle as God continues his work in her heart over the months and years ahead, including the years after she leaves your home (see Psalm 103:8-14).

If your daughter persists in rebellious behavior, remember the “First Law of Fishing: Don’t Break the Line!” In other words, avoid reacting to her in such a way that you lose all contact and influence in her life.

Instead, seek to live out biblical principles that help you to imitate God’s patience and kindness toward you. For example, during our long struggle with a rebellious child, Corlette and I prayed regularly for grace to live out Romans 2:4: “Do you not know that it is God’s kindness that leads you to repentance.” For a detailed description of our challenging journey and God’s redeeming victory in our child’s life, see The God of Hope.