Engineers and attorneys don’t beat around the bush when clients ask for advice.

We’re paid to tell clients exactly what they should do to solve their problems.

That worked well when I practiced as an engineer and a lawyer. My clients paid me by the hour, and the more quickly I told them what to do, the happier they were.

My wife … not so much.

My teenagers … not so much.

My conciliation clients and members of my church… not so much.

What People Want

It took me a long time to realize this, but when my wife, teens or conciliation clients came to me with their challenges, they weren’t looking for canned instructions.

What they wanted above all was for someone to listen patiently, to fully understand them and to show genuine empathy and compassion.

And then, rather than being told what to do, they wanted someone to help them figure out for themselves the best path forward.

Not correction. Not a lecture. Just patient, gentle questions that helped them to understand their situation more clearly and come up with their own wise plan on what to do next.

It Changed Everything

I was amazed by what this change in approach did for my marriage. Instead of avoiding me for fear of another engineer/lawyer solution, my wife came to me more confidently and invited questions that helped her come up with her own solution.

Instead of living their lives in the shadows, my teens flopped down on the sofa and said, “Hey, Dad. Have you got a few minutes to talk?” They knew I would hear them out, not throw out pat answers.

And when conciliation clients or members of my church (where I serve as an elder) ran into problems in their marriages, with their kids or at work, they pulled me aside after Sunday worship and asked if I had time for coffee or lunch that week.

In each of these settings, people who are very dear to me knew I was not going to preach a sermon or give them marching orders. I was going to help them draw on their knowledge of God’s word and their own life experiences to come up with solutions that would please and honor God.

How Did I Change?

As I said earlier, being “non-directive” is not in my nature, nor was it part of my professional training. So, where did I learn to do this?

Through my mistakes at first. I had to face that fact that my relational style was putting walls between me and the people I love.

And then I started to learn and apply the principles and skills that are being taught through RW360’s Relational Wisdom Coaching courses. I learned how to listen patiently, to seek genuine understanding and to ask powerful, insightful questions.

I was a slow learner, but the more I saw my relationships changing, the more determined I was to change and grow. It will be a lifelong process, but just the little I’ve learned so far has dramatically improved my marriage, my parenting and my service as a conciliator and church elder.

You  Can Change Too

Would you like to see similar improvements in your ability to engage those you love with patience, insight and helpful questions? If so, register today for our Introduction to RW Coaching course or our RW Coaching Skills course.

Your relationships will never be the same …

If you don’t believe me, take a few seconds to read the following testimonies.

~ Ken Sande

Testimonies from Recent Coaching Students

If you lead a team or organization…

“The people I coach are walking away with greater confidence and clear action plans. This training multiplied the impact across my entire organization — I wish I had it sooner.”  Dan T

If you work with people every day…

“It reprogrammed how I interact with everyone — at work and at home. People tell me our conversations are life-giving now. I didn’t expect a coaching course to change me this much.” Paul S

If you’re a counselor or mediator…

“I started asking powerful questions that helped clients reach their own breakthroughs — without me directing them. The conversations became more natural and far more impactful.” Debby M

If you’re in ministry or pastoral care…

“I came to sharpen my coaching — and left with a mirror. The training showed me areas in my own life I needed to address. It improved every relationship I have.” Robert H

If you work in conflict resolution…

“I’ve watched estranged relationships begin to heal because someone finally felt truly heard. These tools work in the hardest conversations.” John I

If you want to love people better…

“This didn’t just change how I lead. It changed how I love the people around me.” Terry C

If you’re a professional who’s always told people what to do…

“For 40 years as an attorney, I tried to persuade people to do things my way. I now know how to ask questions that help the people I coach find their own direction. I have learned to become a trusted guide instead of a controlling expert.” Stephen G, Attorney & Mediator

If all of these people have seen so much improvement in their relational skills, so can you!

Register Today

• Introduction to RW Coaching – Sept. 8-10
• RW Coaching Skills – Sept. 15-17

Permission to distribute: Please feel free to download, print, or electronically share this message in its entirety for non-commercial purposes with as many people as you like.

© 2026 Ken Sande

Would you like to receive future posts like this? Subscribe now!