Real Life Conciliation Cases
As the following real life examples illustrate, God’s peacemaking principles are powerful enough to bring justice and reconciliation in seemingly impossible situations.
Slander and Intentional Infliction of Emotional Distress
Texas Football Scandal
As pastor Kent drove home from our peacemaking training, he had no idea how quickly his new skills would be put to the test.
He had barely walked through the door when his wife informed him about a conflict that was dividing their small town. Three high school football players had been suspended from the team for attending a kegger. Their families insisted that the boys had been falsely accused and threatened to file lawsuits to clear their names and restore them to the team.
This was no minor conflict. This was high school football in Texas, which is practically a religion. Word traveled fast, and the town was already dividing over the scandal.
After describing the crisis to her husband, Kent’s wife said, “Well, what are you going to do about this?”
“This isn’t my battle!” he protested. “I pastor our church, not our high school.”
“But you just completed peacemaker training,” she responded. “If anyone in town has the skills to resolve this, it’s you. Besides, aren’t we supposed to be seen as the peacemakers in our community?
Negligence and Breach of Fiduciary Responsibility
A Stolen Baby and $200M Lawsuit
It’s not often that pastoral counseling sets the stage for a kidnapping, a $200 million lawsuit and crying attorneys. But that is exactly what happened when Cindy and Clark went to their pastor for marriage counseling.
After several meetings, the three of them somehow reached the inexplicable conclusion that the solution to their marital distress was to give their newborn baby up for adoption … to the pastor’s daughter and son-in-law, who was also a pastor in the same denomination.
Cindy and Clark later changed their minds and asked for their baby back. But by then the adoptive parents had moved to another state.
Wrongful Discharge
Reconciled by a Baby Moose
After two painfully intense mediation sessions, Dave and Don were still miles apart and more bitter than ever.
Best friends since high school, Don had hired Dave to manage his construction crews. Working long hours together, they built a highly successful company. But then a series of management disagreements escalated into a heated argument that resulted in Don shouting, “I’m sick of your disrespect. You’re fired!”
Dave stormed out of the building and filed a wrongful discharge lawsuit the next day.
A few months later, they were both sitting in my office, hoping I could mediate a settlement that would bring an end to the lawsuit. But their hearts were so hardened against each other that they rejected every solution I suggested.
Fraud and Breach of Contract
The Three P’s of Satisfaction
It’s not often that an attorney loses a lawsuit, along with her two-million-dollar contingency fee, and yet walks away satisfied.
I’ve seen similar satisfaction with employees who didn’t get a promotion. With church members who disagreed with their pastors. And with children who could not escape discipline.
The relationship-saving concept in each of these situations is surprisingly simple and yet amazingly effective, whether in a courtroom, business, church or home. It’s called the “Three P’s of Satisfaction.”
Before I explain it, let me tell you about the attorney who lost the fee of a lifetime.
Wrongful Death
I Killed Your Baby
Alicia was born prematurely. Worse yet, she was born near the end of an exhausting NICU (newborn intensive care unit) shift. Two overworked nurses failed to properly connect the life support system in her incubator. As a result, little Alicia died just a few hours after she was born.
Recognizing its legal exposure, the hospital circled its wagons. They called in their attorneys, put the nurses on leave and waited for the lawsuit.
Of course, Alicia’s parents were devastated. For several days all they could do was grieve the loss of their baby. Well-meaning friends came to comfort them, and one of them pointed out that they had grounds for a major lawsuit against the nurses and the hospital.
As the parents prayed about the situation, however, they sensed that God was leading them down a different path.
Church Division
A Wave of Confessions Saves a Church
At last, he had his chance. Clutching his prepared statement in his hand, Mark sat down in the front pew, ready to get even with the elders.
Six months earlier they had refused to support his promotion to senior pastor. They had stood silently by when Mark was slandered in a congregational meeting. Worst of all, some of them had repeatedly talked about him behind his back, voicing their doubts about his ability to fill the shoes of their retiring pastor.
After months of escalating tension, the elders finally called in a team of trained conciliators. During two three-day visits, the conciliators taught peacemaking to the congregation, facilitated personal discussions, and encouraged Mark and the elders to set an example for the church by acknowledging their own contributions to the problem.
Sexual Abuse
A Better Way to Handle Abuse
Sexual abuse in the church does not have to end in broken lives, agonizing lawsuits, and divided congregations. When people follow God’s ways and words, these terrible incidents can result in healing, justice and healthier churches.
When victims of abuse first come forward, I have found that most of them are seeking four reasonable responses. First, they are looking for understanding, compassion and emotional support. Second, they want the church to admit that the abuse occurred and to acknowledge that it was wrong. Third, they want people to take steps to protect others from similar harm. And fourth, they expect compensation for the expense of needed counseling.
Probate and Assault
Turning Assault into Reconciliation
“Don’t you try to come in!” Frank yelled through the door. “I have a bat and I’ll hit anyone who comes in.”
“Come on, open the door, Frank!” Joe responded from the porch. “We just want to talk.”
“This is getting out of control,” Jenny said as she pulled at Joe’s arm. “I think we should call our lawyer and have him talk with Frank.”
“But the realtor and the buyer will be here in ten minutes! The deal will fall apart if they can’t get in to look at the house.”
“It will fall apart a lot worse if Frank goes after them with a bat! I’m going to call right now and postpone the meeting until we can do something with Frank.”
“Ok, but I won’t let him hold this sale up forever. You’ve got two days to get him out of here, Jenny, and after that, I’ll come back with my own bat. I’m sure John and Matt will be happy to join me.”
Church Conflict
Defusing Explosive Meetings
Have you ever been in a meeting that was about to explode?
You could feel the tension building with each person’s comments and knew it was just a matter of time before the dynamite went off.
It might have been a conversation with your spouse or teenager. Maybe it was a staff meeting at the office. Or, sometimes most volatile of all, a congregational meeting at your church.
Well, here is a true story that illustrates a creative way to “de-fuse” this kind of dynamite.
A disagreement regarding the actions of a youth pastor had polarized a congregation and triggered such intense emotions and accusations that the leaders felt compelled to call a congregational meeting. Over a hundred members gathered together to voice their grievances and opinions.
Litigation
The Dangers of Good Advocacy
One of the cases referred to us by a major arbitration organization involved a large contract dispute. Although the facts and the law were clearly in the defendant’s favor, the plaintiff’s attorney did a masterful job advocating her client’s position. Testimony that could have been presented in a few hours stretched into three long days, and for a while, even I was beginning to wonder whether the plaintiff had been treated unfairly.
By the time both sides rested their cases, however, it was clear to me that the plaintiff had breached the contract and that the defendant’s subsequent actions were justified, both legally and morally.
I knew that my decision would probably destroy the plaintiff’s last hope of salvaging his business, and I felt badly when I denied his claim. What disturbed me even more, however, was the realization that this young man had been deluded by his own attorney.
Restore Harmony, Resolve Conflicts
Explore how peacemaking and conciliation can help resolve conflicts, foster understanding, and build stronger relationships.
