Personal Peacemaking Cases
As the following real life examples illustrate, you can use peacemaking principles to resolve all kinds of personal, family, church and workplace conflicts.
Adultery and Divorce Defeated at the Foot of the Cross
Resurrecting a Dead Relationship
A young Christian couple came to my office just before Easter one year and asked me to mediate the legal issues of their divorce. The wife had been unfaithful, and their relationship had been shattered. They had argued, excused and blamed for a couple of weeks and finally given up hope that they could ever restore their marriage.
They had two small children, so they asked me to help them agree on a child custody and visitation arrangement and to divide up their property without an expensive legal battle. As they put it, “We just want to get this over with as quickly and painlessly as possible.”
After hearing their story, I said, “I would be honored to serve you. But before we discuss the legal issues, there is one thing I’d like to do. I want to read you a passage of Scripture and then ask you one question.”
I could tell from their faces that they did not welcome this idea, but since they wanted my help, they really had no choice. So I opened my Bible to the Apostle Paul’s marvelous prayer in Ephesians 1:16-20 …
If a Confession Contains an Excuse, It Ain’t a Confession
Face to Face, No Excuses
Someone on my team had blown it. Not ethically or morally. He had simply taken too long to complete some significant tasks, which put one of our clients in an awkward position in a mediation case.
Our staff member’s attempts to apologize to the client seemed to fall on deaf ears. Since the “buck stops here,” I realized I needed to step in and seek to repair the damage. So I picked up my phone and dialed our client’s number to apologize for our failure to serve him well.
Before the phone rang twice, however, I hung up.
Even though the damage seemed to be minor in my eyes, it dawned on me that our client could easily see this as a major problem. Therefore, it called for a face-to-face conversation.
So I booked a flight the next day and called the client to ask if I could take him to lunch to apologize personally for what had happened. His guarded response confirmed that this was no small matter to him …
Using a Power Outage to Settle a Lawsuit
If Your Enemy Needs Electricity
Rich, a dear friend of mine, had a horrible conflict with his neighbor, Cynthia. A property line dispute that began with debates in the back yard had evolved into heated arguments. Eventually Cynthia filed a lawsuit.
As an attorney and trained conciliator, Rich felt guilty that he had been unable to resolve the conflict personally. He knew that other neighbors were aware of the situation and that his witness as a Christian was being damaged.
One evening he was standing in his back yard looking at Cynthia’s house through the growing shadows. Wrestling with frustration and guilt, he cried out to God, asking, “What can I do to settle this, Lord? How can I get through to her and work out a reasonable compromise?”
At that very moment, all of the lights in Cynthia’s house, as well as the other houses on her street, went out. A local power outage left his opponent with no electricity …
There’s Only One Way to Change a Negative Reputation
The Best Way to Rewrite History
Jerry’s wife had filed for divorce. She was willing to mediate the legal issues but made it clear she had no interest in reconciliation.
Ted had a similar problem with his church. Months of unresolved tensions had overflowed in a contentious elders meeting, with a few of his elders urging him to leave.
Both men faced an incredibly frustrating dynamic I’ve seen over and over …
By the time things get this bad, people who want to end a relationship typically have an entirely negative view of the other person. They see nothing but faults. In many cases, they even tell me they never loved or respected the other person in the first place.
The person who is being rejected usually believes he’s being unfairly judged and tries desperately to vindicate himself by advocating a more positive interpretation of the past.
It never works.
Once someone has developed an intensely negative view of another person, it’s nearly impossible for the accused individual to persuade his accuser to adopt a more positive view of his character and behavior.
So here’s the advice I gave Jerry, which God used to rewrite history.
The One Force that Can Penetrate a Hardened Heart
Penetrating Barriers
Megan had switched on a force field that put the Starship Enterprise to shame.
It had been another one of our difficult days. Our then ten-year-old daughter was once again trying to control her younger brother. He resentfully pushed back, indicating he didn’t need a second mother. Corlette tried to suppress their bickering, but the conversation kept spiraling downward.
As I listened to their verbal sparring from another room, I realized that Megan was the major culprit that day. So, I took her into an adjacent bedroom to talk. As I sat down on the bed, she lay down on the floor at my feet, propping her head against a nightstand. She crossed her arms, and her body went rigid.
I could almost see the force field she had erected to fend off the impending lecture. Sensing another futile engagement, I silently prayed, “God, please help me figure out how to get through to this little girl.”
A new approach came to mind. I gently asked her, “Megan, if Jesus were here right now, what do you think he would say to you?”
When Children Need to Guide Their Parents
Asking Parents to Give up Their Keys
- Prepare (pray, get the facts, seek godly counsel, develop options)
- Affirm relationships (show genuine concern and respect for others)
- Understand interests (identify others’ concerns, desires, needs, limitations, or fears)
- Search for creative solutions (prayerful brainstorming)
- Evaluate options objectively and reasonably (evaluate, don’t argue)
God graciously enabled me to find the words to practice each of these principles with both our mothers, as I explain in more detail at the end of this blog. This made it easier for them to let go of their keys with a hug and without resentment, and allowed us the joy and privilege of being their “private chauffeurs” (as they put it) for many more years …
Turn an Offense into a Closer Relationship
Seven Ways to Redeem an Offense
A while ago, I received a complaint from a woman who I will call Ruth (not her real name) regarding a video clip I used in one of my blog posts. The video is called “It’s Not about the Nail.” It features a graphic metaphor built around a woman with a nail in her forehead and a man (presumably her husband) who is oblivious to her emotions (see clip here).
Here is Ruth’s initial email to me (shared with her permission):
I’ve come upon a stumbling block in the video where the woman has a nail in her forehead. It seems the man should be wearing blinders to show both sides of the story. It is not respectful nor kind to women. I wonder if this would ever have been produced with the man having a nail in his forehead and the woman in the opposite role. This mocking of women is a part of our culture that people have grown blind to. I was not the only one in our online group that felt this way, as there was an additional and similar unsolicited response to the video. As a result I have chosen not to complete the course and would like to be removed from your blog mailing list. Thank you for your time and consideration of this matter.
My response later that day started a dialogue that took a very surprising turn …
Rejection Is One of the Most Painful Experiences in Life
Overcoming Rejection
There are three things you and I were never designed to experience: illness, death and rejection.
That is why these experiences feel so foreign and hurt so much: they are utterly contrary to what we were made for.
When God created the world, everything in it was “very good” (Gen. 1:31). Illness, physical death and the death of relationships were not part of his perfect design. But when mankind fell into sin, these experiences invaded our lives (Gen. 3:16-24).
Adam and Eve rejected God and passed on a legacy of physical and relational death to their posterity. Cain rejected Abel as he slew him. Jacob rejected Leah and infected his household with jealousy. His sons rejected Joseph and broke their father’s heart.
And so the narrative goes throughout Scripture … including the dark night when Peter rejected Jesus as he walked alone to his death.
Since we were not designed for relational rejection, it always hurts.
Like the time I planned to tell a high school girlfriend that I thought we should stop dating. But before I could share my thoughts, she said, “Ken, I think we should break up.”
Restore Harmony, Resolve Conflicts
Explore how peacemaking and conciliation can help resolve conflicts, foster understanding and build stronger relationships.