For more detailed information on dealing with conflict, see Ken Sande’s book, The Peacemaker. If you are working through a current conflict, our free Peacemaker Personal Application Workbook will help you to apply these biblical principles to your situation.
Glorify God
Understanding Conflict
How do you define conflict?
We define conflict as “a difference in opinion or purpose that frustrates someone’s goals or desires.”
How can we work harder to stop conflict before it starts? Or is it better to experience conflict and grow from it?
It is not better to experience conflict! Christians are called to dispel conflict before it starts by remembering who they are in Christ. If we strive to imitate and please him, we can cultivate a wise, peace-loving perspective on life that seeks to make peace before conflict surfaces. And by sowing in peace, we can raise a harvest of righteousness (see James 4:17-18).
Is it wrong for a Christian to question God about why something is happening?
There are times when circumstances appear out of control without any understandable explanation. It is not wrong to ask why. But from a human perspective, it is an unhelpful question when no satisfactory answer can be given. Because of our human limitations, it is better to ask, How? How God are you using this situation to conform my life to Christ’s? Asking the “how” question prepares us for the answers God may provide in his time.
How can we discern when to overlook a conflict and when to address it?
Discernment is a gift of God’s grace that develops through patient and humble practice. When it comes to conflict, you must you try to discern if it is dishonoring God’s reputation, damaging your relationship with other people, hurting other people, or hurting the offender himself. If the conflict results in any of these consequences, you need to address it according to the Biblical pattern of Matthew 18.
The Slippery Slope
How do the escape and attack responses relate to the fight/flight response I’ve heard of?
While the similarities are apparent, there are very significant differences in the worldview assumptions underlying each concept. The fight/flight response is an observation of cause and effect expressed in physiological or behavioral (psychological) terms, which tends to emphasize a machine-like, often deterministic, view of how the world works. This type of thinking implies that we are powerless to choose how we respond to conflict.
The escape and attack responses of the Slippery Slope describe common responses to conflict in terms that reflect our identity as moral beings, created in the image of God, with the capacity to choose how we will respond to conflict—particularly if we have been recreated in Christ and know his redeeming love. This line of thought implies that although we may choose to escape or attack, we could also choose a peacemaking response.
What is the difference between overlooking and denial? When does overlooking become denial?
Denial is refusing to acknowledge an offense, and thus refusing to respond to it. Overlooking is recognizing that one has been offended, and making an intentional decision to unilaterally forgive the offense. In denial, the offended person might think, “That’s okay; there was no offense” (when there actually was an offense). In overlooking, the offended person might think, “That’s not okay—that was wrong. But it was a minor offense, so I choose to forgive the offender.” Overlooking becomes denial when we are unable to forgive and shirk our duty to lovingly confront an offense that is too serious to overlook.
Give us an example of when it is appropriate to leave or avoid a place of conflict.
Flight from conflict may be appropriate in extreme circumstances when it is impossible to resolve the conflict in a constructive manner. It may be appropriate to flee when one’s life or safety is threatened, just as David fled from Saul (see 1 Sam. 19: 9-10). It is also wise to flee from the temptation to sin, just as Joseph fled from Potiphar’s wife. In most cases, it is not necessary to leave or avoid the place of conflict as long as one is diligent to flee the temptation to sin in thought, word, or deed. If it becomes apparent that either party in a conflict needs more time to prepare a godly response, it may be wise to agree to resolve it later.
How does one make the leap from “escapism” and the fear of confrontation to the biblical practice of peacemaking? While I may not deny that there is conflict, I dread confrontation. What are some practical steps to change?
The first step is to ask yourself, “Who do I fear most? God or Man?” If you know that God calls you to go to those who have sinned against you (Matt. 18:15) and to those you have sinned against (Matt. 5:23-24), then you have a choice to make: Do you fear God and desire to please and obey Him, or do you fear man and desire people’s approval—regardless of whether or not that means obeying God? Remembering who we are in Christ gives us the courage to choose to fear God and walk obediently in his ways.
It is also helpful to remember that your job in confrontation is to faithfully speak the truth in love, but only God can change people. This reality should free you from fearing how someone might react when you confront him biblically.
The next step is to trust God’s promise that if you live by faith and follow him, you will be rewarded for your faithfulness. Practicing your faith is the most exciting thing you will experience in life, for faith means believing that God will do the unseen as you walk obediently in his paths (Heb. 11:1,6).
My husband is a very kind, merciful, and quiet man who hates conflict and never raises his voice. After we have had a disagreement, he will say, “I forgive you. Besides, I have to if I want to go to heaven.” This is his attempt at introducing an element of humor into a serious situation. But I am not sure that it is sincere. What do you think?
This sounds like a classic case of responding to conflict with denial. Rather than taking responsibility for his contribution to the conflict (by confessing his sin and seeking forgiveness), he resorts to this clever method of escape—which conveniently allows him to sound spiritual without having to deal with his underlying heart issues.
His theology also appears to be somewhat confused. His response suggests that he believes we get to heaven by what we do rather than by trusting solely in Christ’s work on the cross.
How do you distinguish sinful flight from wise, biblical flight?
Those who resort to sinful flight have no desire to return and examine the root causes of their conflict in search of a resolution. On the other hand, those who must take biblical flight are eager to return and resolve their conflict, even when it means dealing with sinful attitudes and actions, because their desire is to find a permanent solution.
Conflict Provides Opportunities
If you see brothers or sisters in Christ in an unresolved conflict, how should you approach them about it?
The spirit of Galatians 6:1-2 is that of tentative servanthood. You do not want to be a busybody, but you also recognize the seriousness of sin and how it can poison the church and relationships between brothers and sisters in Christ. So you “go” to serve the interests of Christ, being careful not to fall into sin yourself.
Start by approaching those who are most spiritually mature. Show them how this conflict is not serving the purposes of Christ, and encourage them to take steps of reconciliation that are consistent with Scripture. This may involve coaching them in the means Christ has given to Christians to respond to conflict biblically, including the resources of the church(es) where the parties are involved.
How are you supposed to apply peacemaking principles in relationships with non-Christians?
The same basic principles apply. Seeking to live at peace with non-Christians provides great opportunities to show them how we are different and why we place our hope in Christ. Furthermore, the way we speak and act should not be depend on whether we are interacting with Christians or non-Christians. God calls us to use edifying language and behavior with all men and women. Of course, it should come as no surprise when non-Christians do not respond as Christians would. Romans 12 addresses this topic well.
If we make our expectations realistic, it can be very effective. As Christians, we need to keep our objective in mind when seeking to live at peace with all men (as required in Romans 12:18). If we expect non-Christians to respond like Christians, we will most likely be disappointed. If, however, our goal is to do what is right before God and trust him for the results, we will have wonderful opportunities to see our faith in action.
Could you further address your comment that “Jesus’ reputation depends on our striving earnestly for peace and unity”? Does Jesus really depend on our actions?
In one sense Jesus does depend on us to live in a way that reflects who he is and what he has done. That is one reason he established the church—for his redeemed people to dwell in unity to show the world that he has made peace between God and man and between man and man for his glory. If we consider it from an eternal perspective, Jesus does not need anything. But from our temporal perspective, and by his choice and plan, he “needs” us to be his people. What a wonderful reality that we have been called to be his witnesses to bring him the glory he deserves.
Stewarding Conflict
If you say God is in control of everything, doesn’t that make him the cause of evil?
No! God cannot sin or cause evil because that would be totally inconsistent with his character. But he does control all things in and through the wisdom of his eternal decrees. He has, however, given man a degree of freedom that makes man and only man accountable for the sin he chooses to commit.
What is an example of a “biblically legitimate right”?
Some examples of biblically legitimate rights include the right to worship God in a manner consistent with Scripture; the right to love your spouse as God commands; the right to teach and apply the gospel in all aspects of child-rearing; and the right to exercise your responsibility to earn the bread you eat. And I could list many more “rights” that you have in Christ.
The harder question is, do we ever have a biblically legitimate right to compel another person by force? The answer to that is difficult. You may have the right to protect the rights of those who are defenseless and cannot protect themselves (such as the unborn, the widow, or the orphan). You may also have the right to protect yourself through a number of legitimate means, including the office of the magistrate. For more information, see Ken Sande’s discussion of rights in The Peacemaker, pages 82-88.
How can you resolve conflict if someone will not acknowledge that there is a problem?
You have a responsibility to show this person how the situation is damaging your relationship, and how it will only grown worse if something is not done. People frequently deny the presence of conflict because they do not want to take responsibility for their actions or face any consequences. Do not let this person’s unbiblical response to conflict deter your peacemaking efforts. Do what is right in God’s sight, and trust him with the results.
Get the Log Out of Your Own Eye
Remove Attitude Logs
What do you do if a brother thinks you have done something wrong, when really, you have done nothing wrong at all?
Matthew 5:23-24 calls us to seek reconciliation with an offended brother, even before we engage in worship. Out of your love for him, you should be willing to listen to his concerns and clarify information that may have led to misunderstandings. Having heard “your side of the story,” he may agree that you did nothing wrong, and reconciliation may remove his temptation to be bitter and unforgiving.
At the same time, hearing your brother’s concerns with an open mind and humble spirit may help you recognize actions which were not particularly edifying, though they were not technically sinful. It is appropriate to acknowledge the harmful effect of your actions, even though unintentional. Obviously, you cannot confess to something that you have not done, but you can choose to carry another’s burden, and in so doing, fulfill the law of Christ (Gal. 6:2).
Remove Word and Action Logs
A believer is confronted about an area of sin, and from all indications, he is repentant. However, over time he commits the same sin again and again. Each time he is confronted, and each time he demonstrates a concerted effort to repent. At what point is it appropriate to move beyond personal confrontation to confrontation by the church, and potentially excommunication?
When repeated sin has become a habit in a person’s life, it is evident that more drastic measures need to be taken in order to help him see how serious his sin is. The progressive process of confrontation that Christ describes in Matthew 18:15-20 goes hand-in-hand with the escalating nature of sin. The latter steps of the process (involving other people and, if necessary, taking it to the church) are designed to address a person who is unwilling to respond to personal confrontation (in other words, a person who refuses to take deliberate and ongoing action to bring about life changes). These are the steps Christians are called to take when rescuing our brother or sister in Christ from habitual sin.
What is true repentance?
It is a gift from God that is manifested as a true turning away from sin toward righteousness. Our motive in repentance is to honor God and bring him glory, because he has given his only son to die for us on the cross, and continues to fill us with his love and joy day-by-day.
The Seven A’s of Confession
Should you admit your faults and seek forgiveness from someone who is going to use it against you every time you have a conflict? In other words, are there times when it is appropriate to confess your sins only to God?
One of your goals in confession is to show the one you have offended your desire to overcome the barrier in your relationship—in order to live at peace and honor God. If this person is truly seeking relationships based on truth and love, he should not see your confession as an opportunity to get information he can “use against you.” If, however, he is not that spiritually mature, ask a godly mutual friend to coach him in peacemaking, so he can be prepared to respond to your confession with biblical forgiveness.
It may be unwise to confess to him before he knows how to respond biblically. While this is the case, confess your sins to God and seek ways to help this person overcome his anger toward you.
What if you are really, truly not wrong? How can you reconcile with someone if your conflict was not a misunderstanding, but just a disagreement?
You cannot confess to something that did not happen. Your use of the words “wrong” and “disagreement,” however, implies that this matter may be about differing opinions rather than factual accuracy. We must be careful to separate opinions from facts. If this person is labeling you as “wrong” merely because he doesn’t agree with your opinion, then he is wrong! People regularly disagree about all sorts of matters, but they are not necessarily wrong. They just have a different perspective on the truth, which is not related to the accuracy of the facts. In these situations, Christians can demonstrate their wisdom by making charitable judgments and avoiding the tendency to label people as “wrong.”
When you have asked forgiveness for a wrong you have committed and the other person is not willing to forgive you, how much further do you go? How can you help the other person’s heart change, when bitterness and anger seem to control him?
This is an opportunity for gracious ministry. First, go and gently ask this person why he will not forgive you. Did he feel your confession was insincere? How have your efforts to make restitution convinced him that you truly are sorry for what you did? If you can determine what the barrier is between the two of you, make every effort to remove that barrier.
If he continues to withhold his forgiveness, it may be evidence that he does not understand the nature of Christ’s forgiveness for his sins. If this is the case, gently tell him about the relationship between the forgiveness he has in Christ and his obligation to forgive others. If he still refuses to forgive you, then he is trapped in the sin of unforgiveness and needs to be confronted by you and perhaps others.
When an offender does not confess his sin due to a hardened heart, are we called to extend mercy? If so, to what degree and how?
If you can overlook the offense and live at peace with the offender, then that is an act of mercy. You are not holding him accountable for his sinful behavior. Since you have shared, however, that this person has not confessed his sin because of his hardened heart, it is apparent that he has become captive to the power of sin. Therefore, you need to consider what your responsibility is to him as your brother. According to Galatians 6:1, you are obligated to restore those who are ”caught in sin.” So you need to make every effort to help this person realize how sin is gripping his life.
Go and Show Your Brother His Fault
Go In Private
If I think I see someone violating the law (e.g., not reporting taxable income), when do I go to him? If he tries to justify it, when do I go to authorities?
Assuming the person you are speaking of is a Christian, and you are absolutely certain of the facts (that is, you have factual proof beyond a mere suspicion), the principle of Galatians 6:1 applies: “If someone is caught in a sin, you who are spiritual should restore him gently.” The time to go is when you are certain that sin has taken your brother captive. Hopefully, he will listen to your warning that unlawful behavior is inconsistent with who he is in Christ.
If he does not stop sinning, go to his church leaders. They have the authority to carry out the steps in Matthew 18:15-17 in order to help him come to his senses and repent. Generally, it is not wise to go to civil officials yourself unless someone’s life or physical safety is in danger.
A person is doing something inappropriate that many people know about, and those you expect to confront him (the pastor or deacons or someone else) never do. What should you do?
If this person is sinning against you, or if his actions affect you directly, you have the responsibility to go and confront him one-on-one. If he listens and stops sinning, you have won your brother over (Matt. 18:15). If he does not repent, take one or two of his church leaders with you to confront him again (Matt. 18:16). If he is still unrepentant, it is the church leaders’ responsibility to pursue the matter from that point on (assuming they are the ones responsible for spiritual oversight in his church). Do not wait for your brother to drift even further into sin. Love him enough to gently tell him the truth.
What is the risk of being charged with harassment for confronting people, especially when they do not want to be?
The likelihood of being charged with a criminal offense is minimal. Your confrontation should follow the pattern and spirit of Matthew 18:15-17, which progresses with the intent of restoration and reconciliation. It is also designed to help a person see the real and serious consequences of refusing to repent. We as Christians are called to gently confront people in a spirit of humility and grace. And we must remember that confrontation is an expression of our care and concern for the spiritual well being of others.
What do you do if you discern someone has something against you but will not talk to you about it?
You are obligated to do whatever you can to live at peace with everyone (Rom. 12:18). In this situation, that may mean involving a mutual friend who could encourage you to take responsibility for your contribution to the conflict. This person could also arrange an opportunity for you to meet with your estranged friend to discuss the distance in your relationship and how you have contributed to bring that about.
In the process, your friend may see your heartfelt desire to restore your relationship with him and agree to work together to overcome your conflict. If, on the other hand, he will still not speak to you, you may need to call his pastor (or elder or other church leader who has spiritual authority over him). Hopefully this person could help him see that he is sinning by not going to you to be reconciled (Matt. 5:23-24).
To what extent can my relationship with a brother be restored if he has sinned against me but has not repented?
You can expect to enjoy a restored relationship only if you can overlook his sin and its consequences. If you cannot bear this liability on your shoulders, the only way to be reconciled is through repentance, confession, and forgiveness—which means following the steps provided in Matthew 18:15-17 to biblically confront your brother.
If someone continues to deny a problem when they are confronted, when do I stop trying to resolve it?
Galatians 6:1 instructs us to help those who have become trapped (“caught”) in their sin. This may involve asking those in positions of authority in the church to come along with you as you seek to gently minister to this person (see Matt. 18:15-17 for more information).
Throughout this process, remember that Christ calls us not to give up when the going gets tough (Eph. 4:3). Also, ask yourself if there are some things you are doing that could keep this person from hearing you. If you have shown that you are truly interested in helping him (rather than helping yourself), expect God to give you opportunities to be a peacemaker.
What do you do when somebody has something against you, but she has not told you? One of my friends has told me a certain person is upset with me, but this person acts perfectly normal around me. And I cannot think of anything I have done to hurt her.
It is your responsibility to go to anyone who has something against you (Matt. 5:23-24). In this case, you know that someone holds something against you based on the reliable testimony of a mutual friend. Therefore, you should go to her and explain your responsibility as a Christian to seek peace (Rom. 12:19), and express your sincere desire to be reconciled. Depending on the circumstances, it may be wise for your friend to go back to the person with something against you with encouragement to come to you.
If your mutual friend is concerned that by going to her, you will breach confidentiality, your friend should not have confided in you in the first place. Instead, your friend should have told this woman to go directly to you with her concerns rather than talking about them when you are not present.
In the heat of an argument, how can I motivate myself to at least consider the other person’s point of view? I am usually so focused on my argument that I don’t want to budge!
It is helpful to remember that though Christ was always right, he often sacrificed his desire to be proven right for the sake of relationships. You can prioritize “building relationships” above “winning arguments” by remembering who you are in Christ, and by choosing your thoughts, words, and actions in light of eternal consequences. Philippians 2 gets to the heart of the matter when it says, “Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others. Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus” (vv. 4-5). When you practice that attitude, your “opponent” is likely to see how considerate and reasonable you are and become more open to your point of view.
My best friend from college calls himself a Christian, but he does not seem to be walking with the Lord. Anytime I try to confront him, he gets furious and seems to go farther in the wrong direction. Am I the wrong person to confront him?
If he will not listen to you, it may be best to get help from someone else who is spiritually mature whom he knows and trusts. But you have called him a “best friend.” Ask yourself why he cannot talk to you about delicate matters of the soul. How can you establish the kind of trust necessary to speak with someone about such important issues? Through faithful prayer and friendship , you may open the door to the kind of opportunity you are looking for to speak with your friend about his lifestyle.
How do you convey your genuine desire to discuss an issue when your spouse views any conversation in which you disagree as a confrontation?
Your question should cause you to look at the relationship of trust you have developed with your spouse. Ask yourself what you may have done to create an environment where even sincere, gentle discussion about a disagreeable topic is seen as confrontation. It’s possible that your spouse knows from past experiences that her comments during these types of “discussions” usually meet stiff resistance. So she is simply defending herself in order to avoid another such occurrence. Perhaps this breakdown in communication is evidence that you could benefit from some biblical marriage counseling.
How do you communicate a problem to your spouse when he listens to you but does not comment when you are finished?
He is falling into the escape responses to conflict because he either does not want to face his responsibilities or discuss the matters you have raised. He may not know how to respond to you, so he simply remains silent, hoping the problem will go away.
In any case, your spouse needs a biblical counselor who can help him see the sinfulness of his actions and urge him to begin having meaningful communication. Of course, I am assuming that you have communicated to him in the spirit of Ephesians 4:29. If you have not, you first need to get the log out of your own eye, ask for his forgiveness, and work hard to reestablish his trust.
In light of the fact that you believe it is appropriate at times for Christians to appeal to the civil authorities, what is your understanding of Matthew 5:38-42?
In this passage, Jesus is seeking to correct a common misunderstanding of the so-called law of retaliation (lex talionus) set forth in both Exodus 21:23-25 and Deuteronomy 19:21. This law was designed to limit punishment to fit the crime and to prevent greater punishment from being carried out as a result of personal vengeance. By applying the law of love, Jesus contradicts those who misinterpreted this law as license for personal retaliation.
How do you deal with your anger and confront someone in love? I have tried taking a break or praying, but am still overwhelmed with emotion and tend to flee. How do I take the first step?
The first step is believing. If you have been trusting in Christ for your eternal life, you can consistently remind yourself of who you are as a child of God, and begin to walk in his ways out of love and thankfulness. Until you are gripped with the reality of his salvation, however, you will simply be relying on your own strength to do that which only God can do in and through you.
Go With Others
When Scripture says to “tell it to the church” (Matt. 18:17), is it talking about telling the whole congregation, those in spiritual authority, or “those who are spiritual”?
Different churches, based on their form of church government, have varying ideas of what it looks like to “tell the church.” In churches led by elders, it means telling the elders. In churches that are governed by the congregation, it usually means telling the pastor. Some congregational churches have a special committee that is initially responsible for dealing with any charge of unrepentant sin. Because of the warning in Scripture to avoid divisive or disruptive conduct, almost all churches discourage a policy that involves directly informing the entire congregation. Given the varying levels of spiritual maturity in any congregation, that practice is wise.
How do the civil courts currently view cases of church discipline? What do church leaders need to watch out for?
Secular courts have consistently upheld the actions of churches to discipline their members if
- the church has informed them that as members, they are subject to the biblical process of church discipline
- the church faithfully follows their own policy guidelines for discipline
- the church consistently practices discipline (that is, without bias or selectively)
- the church uses discipline for the purpose of restoring a wayward, unrepentant member (rather than for the purpose of punishment)
Church leaders should avoid practicing church discipline with those who are not formal members of the church (i.e., those who are not under their jurisdiction and who have not given them informed consent). In addition, they should take every step to ensure that the protections of due process are afforded any member charged with unrepentant sin (including the right to face his accuser, the opportunity to defend himself by explaining his actions, and the right to appeal any decision rendered).
When a person asks you to go with him to confront someone, how do you decide if you should go? What if you think the conflict sounds petty or frivolous?
You go without prejudging the case, because your goal is to minister to people where they are at. If a person seeks your help, he obviously thinks the matter is somewhat significant. By respecting his desire do what is right, you can encourage a peaceful resolution. Never dismiss how seriously someone takes a matter, because you could be missing a great opportunity to help him mature in his faith.
What do you do when someone refuses to see the truth—the truth that he is wrong—no matter how many people tell him?
This situation presents the church with a great opportunity to shepherd a member who has been taken captive by a lie. Assuming he is under the spiritual authority of a church, his church leaders should use the process described in Matthew 18:15-20 to restore him if the lie he continues to believe is causing sin. If what he believes is merely a matter of opinion or preference, you can try to show him how his thinking might result in choices that are neither wise nor edifying. Depending on how receptive he is to your counsel, at some point, you may need to let the matter go.
How can church discipline be made more effective in this age of eroding denominational/church loyalty? It is so easy today for people to avoid conflict and church discipline by simply changing churches. Do you have any suggestions for church leaders?
People need to see that church discipline is God’s plan for them and their spiritual good when they become trapped in sin. Churches who teach their members the real meaning of Matthew 18:15-20 in context with the rest of the chapter will lay a solid foundation for church discipline. It is when people have not been taught the restorative purpose of church discipline that churches and their members have problems. Peacemaker Ministries publishes many materials that are designed to help pastors and churches implement biblical church discipline practices.
Is it Time to go to Court
Where does it say in Scripture that it is okay to go to court with another Christian after you have exhausted all church remedies? I do not see this addressed in Matthew 18:15-20 or 1 Corinthians 6:1-8 as you have suggested; I see the contrary.
1 Corinthians 6 clarifies the issue of jurisdiction that is raised in 1 Corinthians 5:12. Specifically, Christians are to use the resources of the church to resolve their disputes rather than going before unbelievers in order to protect the name of Christ.
However, when a Christian has been declared by the church to be unrepentant of sin and worthy of treatment as an unbeliever, he no longer benefits from the church’s resources and the protection provided in 1 Corinthians 6. He has forfeited the right of being called a Christian and of being identified with the Christian community. Therefore, litigation may be an appropriate process for him to pursue if no other viable option presents itself. For a more thorough discussion of this matter, see Appendix D of The Peacemaker.
What does the Bible say about taking non-Christians to court? Does it give any guidelines for resolving disputes with unbelievers?
The Bible does not speak directly to the issues of taking a non-Christian to court or how to resolve disputes with unbelievers. However, God’s peacemaking principles still apply. Christians can offer non-Christians an alternative to resolving their conflicts in the secular courts. One of the alternatives may be a form of mediation or arbitration, including Christian conciliation. Though they may hesitate to participate in a Christian process, you can share that many others (like themselves) have been very satisfied with how impartially the process is administered and how it results in a sound decision and resolution. Trying to involve nonbelievers in a Christian process gives them the opportunity to pursue a less adversarial option, and provides you with a wonderful opportunity to share your faith in Christ.
Sometimes civil court relief is not biblical. For example, a bankruptcy court forgives a business debt—even though the tradesman creditor has not forgiven the debt. Should the Christian involved be encouraged to pay off his debt?
Christians are told to let their yes be yes and their no be no, which means keeping a promise even when it hurts. In other words, yes, a Christian should seek to work out a plan to pay his debt and, ultimately, to resolve the conflict. The tradesman, on the other hand, should be encouraged to accept a reasonable plan that will allow recovery, because if he forces the point, he could lose everything.
Go and Be Reconciled
Forgiveness
What if you would like to say, “I forgive you” to someone, but you suspect he would react defensively? This person carries a burden of guilt and bitterness, and has not forgiven himself.
You should be motivated by a desire to do what is right before God rather than by fear of how this person might react. Your decision to love him by forgiving him may help him be able to forgive himself.
Failing to forgive oneself is a form of unbelief that questions the sufficiency of Christ’s atoning sacrifice on the cross. You may be able to help this person overcome his unbelief by asking if he believes that Christ paid the penalty for all the sins of those who trust in him. If he says no, you have a great opportunity to share the good news of the gospel.
Can forgiveness be offered and received if it is not sought or asked for?
Not completely, unless you choose to overlook the sin against you. Forgiveness involves a transaction, and a transaction requires the participation of two parties.
The cross provides us a great example. God the Father participated in this transaction by requiring, in his perfect holiness, that the penalty for our sins be atoned for. As believers, we participated in this transaction through Christ. As our representative, he paid the penalty for our sins against God.
In the same way, when someone sins against you, he creates a debt that needs to be paid before it can be forgiven. You can pay the debt for him, which is called overlooking. But if you cannot overlook it, then a transaction must occur.
Let’s say a Christian sins against you. After being confronted, he immediately asks for forgiveness, but does not ask sincerely. What should you do?
Remember that forgiveness consists of four promises. If you do not believe a person’s repentance and confession are sincere, you should not make these promises. Instead, explain to him why you cannot forgive him yet (i.e., why you cannot make the promises), and help him understand what a complete, genuine confession looks like. Once he has sincerely confessed his sin, then you can joyously grant forgiveness.
Consequences
What are some examples of when it is appropriate to sue for money? If forgiveness does not necessarily mean the absence of consequences, are there situations when I can forgive someone’s sin but still expect that person to pay for the damage?
You are right in saying that forgiveness does not necessarily eliminate all consequences. Of course, you can show mercy and remove those consequences by deciding not to pursue a lawsuit.
Part of genuine repentance should be a desire to make full restitution. Thus it is appropriate to question the sincerity of one’s confession if he does not show any desire to make restitution. You should only take him to civil court, however, after church leaders have intervened and determined that he is in unrepentant sin, as described in Matthew 18:17-18. In this case, he is removed from the protection of 1 Corinthian 6 because the church has declared his behavior inconsistent with that of a professing Christian.
Nonetheless, a Christian must have a biblically compelling reason to pursue recovery, keeping in mind the admonition that Christians should rather be wronged than disgrace the name of Christ in the secular court system.
With respect to trust, is it possible to say, “I forgive you, but I can’t trust you until you earn back my trust”?
Yes! Trust comes when a person proves himself to be trustworthy. Forgiveness does not remove the consequences of untrustworthy behavior. On the other hand, it would be sinful to “punish” a person who has shown himself trustworthy by withholding trust. Trust is rebuilt by making and keeping commitments.
How is trust regained?
By being trustworthy! Trust is earned by actions that prove you are worthy of trust. Over time, if you are a person who keeps his word and who willingly sacrifices for the needs of others, trust will be the by-product of a record of faithful service.
Negotiation
Can’t you use negotiation to resolve personal issues?
When personal issues involve sinful attitudes, motives, and behavior, the appropriate response is repentance, confession, and forgiveness. Since God alone sets the standards for what is right and holy, we do not have the authority to bargain personal issues involving sin. We need to remember that every sin against another person is also a sin against God.
Furthermore, knowing that the other party has heard, understands, and cares about the concerns of our heart through the process of discussion often compels us to respond consistently with God’s way of reconciliation. Attempts to negotiate these same concerns could never hope to provide the same response.
Overcome Evil With Good
What course of action should a believer take when he is in conflict with an unbeliever who does not recognize God’s principles or authority? How about when the conflict is with a believer who rejects God’s teachings on conflict resolution?
The principles of biblical conflict resolution remain the same whether you are seeking peace with a believer or an unbeliever. You are always called to take responsibility for your contributions to a conflict, to be gentle and humble, and to live at peace with everyone. You should anticipate, however, that believers and unbelievers will respond differently to your peacemaking efforts, but how they respond should not be your initial concern. You are called to do what is right in God’s sight regardless of the outcome.
When either a believer or an unbeliever responds, you will know what to do next. A believer knows that God’s standard of speech and behavior applies to him just as it does to you. If he is not willing to live by this standard and seek reconciliation, he is in rebellion against God. You will have to take further action to make peace with him, perhaps with the assistance of his church.
An unbeliever may or may not respond at all. Either way, your efforts to reconcile with him may provide you with a wonderful chance to explain why, as a Christian, you are seeking to live at peace. Take the opportunity to winsomely share the reason for the hope that is within you (1 Pet. 3:15).
General
Why is it that many secular corporate leaders handle problems better than Christian leaders? I personally have been hurt far more by Christian leaders than by worldly people. Why is this?
We must remember that all leaders, whether secular or Christian, are fallible. And the best leaders are often those who identify and learn from their mistakes. With respect to problem-solving, it is important to recognize that secular issues are different than faith issues. While temporal issues may have far-reaching consequences, they are still temporal. Secular corporate leaders may respond to temporal conflicts effectively, but their solutions are limited in scope and ultimate effect.
Faith issues are particularly sensitive because they are of an eternal nature. They are more difficult to resolve because one person often thinks his insight into a problem or understanding of a situation is as good as another’s. A more appropriate question may be, why do I feel that I have been hurt? A true spiritual leader is one called to speak the truth in love. Perhaps you did not want to hear the truth and recognize its consequences for your life.
What do you do when you ask a pastor for forgiveness, and, instead of granting it, he brings up your past faults?
It can be discouraging and painful when a person with spiritual authority seems to disregard the admonition to restore a sinner gently (Gal. 6:1). Even so, it gives you the opportunity to model gracious humility by listening respectfully and assuming the best about his motives. Perhaps he took your confession and request for forgiveness as an indication that you would be receptive to hearing his other concerns. Or perhaps your confession was inadequate and did not get to the heart of the matter. Maybe he fears that granting quick forgiveness means forfeiting the right to bring up additional concerns in the future.
Whatever it may be, it would be wise to respectfully ask why the pastor felt he needed to bring up your other faults before granting forgiveness. If, after hearing his perspective, you believe the additional concerns are warranted, you can confess those sins as well. Even if you are not convinced, you can thank him for addressing these concerns and ask him for time to prayerfully consider them in light of God’s Word. Of course, if the pastor has offended you, and his offense is too serious to overlook, you can prepare to confront him in love—after you have removed all of the logs from your own eye.
As a pastor’s wife, I often witness conflicts that involve my husband but do not directly involve me. I am deeply hurt by the gossip and slander spoken against him. How should I deal with the anger and other emotions I feel?
It is natural to feel hurt for the sake of your husband. Pastors and their wives have to agree about how occasions like this are opportunities to minister to others. Praying for your husband and for those who may be attacking him is the best way to guard your heart and keep ministry in its proper perspective. Your model of restraint will, over time, bear the fruit of peace.
When is it legitimate for a person or family to change churches?
Obviously, moving to another community would be a good reason. Otherwise, ask yourself the following questions about the church you are attending:
- Does the church faithfully preach a Christ-centered message from God’s Word?
- Does the church faithfully observe the sacraments of baptism and the Lord’s Supper (Communion)?
- Does the church take sin seriously? Does it faithfully practice church discipline that seeks to restore those trapped in sin?
- Are there opportunities for me to use my spiritual gifts to minister the grace of Christ to others?
- Am I growing in my spiritual walk under the leadership of godly people who are committed to my growth in holiness?
If you find yourself answering “yes” to all of these questions, then you should not change churches. On the other had, if you cannot answer “yes” to each question, you may need to consider seeking a new church.
Could you address infidelity in marriage? When is it appropriate to work it out, and when is it right to pursue a divorce? In particular, what if an unbelieving spouse is unfaithful one time, but seems to be sincerely repentant and wants to stay in the marriage? Is it biblical for the Christian spouse to pursue a divorce?
It is always appropriate to try to work things out. God’s desire, even in the case of marital unfaithfulness, is repentance, confession, and forgiveness, so that the marriage can be restored and healed. If the offending spouse expresses genuine repentance for adultery and is willing to make every effort to heal the relationship, the spouse who was wronged should forgive him or her and not seek a divorce. Failure to forgive an honestly repentant sinner is a sin in itself. The decision to seek a divorce should only be made under the counsel and guidance of church leadership.
As a wife, I repeatedly asked my church leaders for help with our marriage. Although I was helped, it seemed that one pastor after another was reluctant to approach and confront my husband. After 25 years of a hard-fought-for marriage, he finally left one night and never returned. (As I suspected and later found out, he had been having an affair.) What could I have done to compel the leaders of my church to go to my husband and confront him about his behavior and the suspected affair?
Hebrews 13:17 makes it clear that spiritual leaders will be held accountable (that is, answerable to God) for the care of those under their spiritual oversight. The unfaithful shepherds (pastors) of Israel were condemned by the Lord for their failure to strengthen the weak, heal the sick, and bind the wounds of the injured (Ezekiel 34). If repeated, respectful appeals to those with pastoral responsibility fail to result in appropriate pastoral care, you could appeal to those in authority over these pastors. That may be a Presbytery, a conference official, a bishop, or some other regional overseer who has authority with respect to their ordination credentials.
Every church should be organized so that each pastor is under the oversight of another spiritual authority. That way he can be held accountable for any action (or inaction) inconsistent with his call to shepherd those under his care. If your husband was a member of the church, these pastors have apparently failed him by allowing his sin to go uncorrected. But God will not be mocked. In due time these matters will be revealed and righteousness will prevail.
What if you confront someone who appears to have a sinful pattern of behavior, but he responds by telling you he cannot do anything different because “it’s just the way I am”?
It is amazing how creative the human mind can be in order to escape responsibility. The distinction that needs to be made here is whether the “wrong” was a sin against you or merely a difference of opinion or purpose. If it was sin, God does not let anyone off the hook; no one has the right to sin. Moreover, no one has to sin, nor can he legitimately say that his personality causes him to sin if he understands the reality of Christ’s atoning sacrifice. If this person continues making such statements, take the opportunity to pray for him and love him. And trust that God is not finished with him.
If a parent or teacher senses that a young person (teenager) lacks the maturity to confront a peer in private, how should he respond to insure that confrontation takes place? Should the parent/teacher require the young person to do it? Accompany him in doing it? Do it for him?
These situations are great opportunities for teaching and modeling. Though a young person is often willing to be a peacemaker, he simply may not know what to do. The best way a parent or teacher can encourage a mature response is coach him on how to speak to his peer biblically about the matter that has separated them. It may be appropriate and wise under some circumstances to go with the young person to help him with the confrontation.
What should a person do if she is in an abusive marriage?
Assuming that she and her spouse are professing Christians, she should seek the help of the church. The church has jurisdiction over Christian marriage, and the church is called to hold sinning spouses responsible for their conduct in marriage. Biblical counseling should help a Christian spouse turn from abusive ways. If, however, a spouse does not respond to counseling, the church has a responsibility to judge the abusive spouse and provide an avenue of safety for the innocent spouse. If the abusing spouse does not repent for his behavior, the church may determine that there are biblical grounds for divorce, under the belief that continued abuse is evidence of abandonment of the relationship that was established through the marriage vows.
My husband’s ex-wife started custody proceedings for his daughter. We want to talk to her to discuss this situation in love. Our attorney, who is not a Christian, does not think this is a good idea. He does not want us to talk to her. Should we insist?
Remember that your attorney is working for you. You can insist, but you must realize there may be legal consequences from which your attorney is trying to protect you.
As a Christian, if possible you should always try to work with a Christian attorney. He will be more understanding of your desire to seek actions that are consistent with your faith in Christ and your desire to please God.
My husband and I are divorced, and he has remarried. We have three children, and they live with their father. How can I model peace and reconciliation to them?
The opportunity to restore your marriage has passed. Nonetheless, you can still pursue peace with your former spouse as a brother in Christ, assuming he is a Christian. As for your children, use “teachable moments” as opportunities to explain to them how sin led to your divorce and how it is our enemy. Also, whenever you refer to your ex-husband and his wife, speak about them according to the standard the apostle Paul sets in Ephesians 4:29. By faithfully practicing this type of speech, you can model Christlike peace to this family.
How can a mother intervene in a conflict between two very large sons who have resorted to the assault response to conflict?
Hopefully, this mother will remember she is not alone in raising her sons. If their father is not available due to divorce, abandonment, or death, she should tap into the resources of the church in order to get the assistance she needs in her parenting. If her sons are not Christians, and if they are unresponsive to the intervention of church officers, she may need to call the civil authorities if the nature of the conflict is endangering life or physical well-being.
I have a co-worker who is a professing Christian and very open about her church activities, but she frequently uses sexually suggestive comments. When I approached her about it, she told me I was the one with the “dirty mind.” She continues to make these comments, which I feel are dishonoring to God. What should I do?
First, make sure you have taken all of the logs out of your own eye. Once she has no reason to accuse you of sinful behavior, go to her again in a spirit of gentleness and humility. Tell her how her words dishonor our Lord, who has directed that our speech be wholesome and edifying (Eph. 4:29). If she refuses to listen to you, prayerfully consider following the steps in Matthew 18:15-17, including getting her church leaders involved, if necessary.
What should a Christian do if another believer is gossiping to him? Should he respond differently if it is a nonbeliever?
No matter who is spreading gossip, it is always appropriate to stop him and ask, “Is this information I need to know in order to help this person? Will it help me understand how you plan to help him?” That kind of response usually sends a quick signal that you believe gossiping is wrong.
If it is a Christian who is gossiping, remind him of the standard of speech that the apostle Paul sets for us in Ephesians 4:29. Gently show him how gossip is inconsistent with that standard.
In light of the fact that you believe it is appropriate at times for Christians to appeal to the civil authorities, what is your understanding of Matthew 5:38-42?
In this passage, Jesus is seeking to correct a common misunderstanding of the so-called law of retaliation (lex talionus) set forth in both Exodus 21:23-25 and Deuteronomy 19:21. This law was designed to limit punishment to fit the crime and to prevent greater punishment from being carried out as a result of personal vengeance. By applying the law of love, Jesus contradicts those who misinterpreted this law as license for personal retaliation.
How do the civil courts currently view cases of church discipline? What do church leaders need to watch out for?
Secular courts have consistently upheld the actions of churches to discipline their members if:
- the church has informed them that as members, they are subject to the biblical process of church discipline
- the church faithfully follows their own policy guidelines for discipline
- the church consistently practices discipline (that is, without bias or selectively)
- the church uses discipline for the purpose of restoring a wayward, unrepentant member (rather than for the purpose of punishment)
Church leaders should avoid practicing church discipline with those who are not formal members of the church (i.e., those who are not under their jurisdiction and who have not given them informed consent). In addition, they should take every step to ensure that the protections of due process are afforded any member charged with unrepentant sin (including the right to face his accuser, the opportunity to defend himself by explaining his actions, and the right to appeal any decision rendered).
How do you handle conflict between other people when it is affecting you, but neither party has a real desire to resolve the conflict?
I am assuming the other parties are Christians. Since you are being affected, you have the responsibility to go to each party personally and privately to explain how their behavior is affecting you. If their behavior does not change, you should approach each party again, taking one or two others with you in line with Matthew 18:16. If their behavior still persists, it is time to take it to their church leaders, who can use the authority Christ gave them to confront sin.
What are three or four mistakes churches typically make when handling conflict?
First, they fail to recognize that God gives them conflict as an opportunity to help Christians grow spiritually. Consequently, they fail to teach and apply biblical peacemaking in the early stages of a conflict, which results in the conflict being drawn out and causing more damaging effects.
Second, church leaders sometimes fail to lead by example and respond to conflict with humility (see 1 Pet. 5:1-10).
Third, many churches fail to recognize their responsibility to help people overcome sin by practicing biblical church discipline. Often the only way a church member realizes that his sinful words and actions are making a situation worse is when church leaders boldly speak the truth in love and hold him accountable for his sin.
Finally, churches usually wait too long to get help from those who can break the cycle of conflict. The parties in a conflict are more likely to consider the process of reconciliation and less likely to attack when help comes from a neutral party.
How do you deal with a person who has murdered you in his heart? This person is unwilling to have any meaningful interaction with you, gossips about you, and rejects your efforts to reconcile.
Is this person a Christian? If he is not, then you will need a lot of grace to patiently endure the injustice that you will continue to experience. God may be calling you to witness to him through your response to his attacks. Always be asking yourself, how can I be used by God to help this person come to know Christ?
If, on the other hand, he is a Christian and he is under the jurisdiction of a Christian church, then you have a great opportunity to help him break free from his unbiblical pattern of responding to conflict. If he does not respond to your help and seek reconciliation, follow the process Christ describes in Matthew 18:15-20 by first involving others, and, if necessary, going to his church leaders.
What do you do if someone holds an offense against you for several years?
If he is a Christian, someone he trusts (like a mutual friend or a church leader) needs to help him see the serious nature of his situation. By continuing to bear this offense, he is making it evident that he has never known Christ’s forgiveness for his sins. Matthew 6:14-15 makes it clear that God will not forgive those who refuse to forgive others. You can remain open and available to meeting with him if the opportunity arises.
How do you handle conflict with “step-children” in a blended family, especially when they do not want to be accountable for their choices and they do not seem to “like” you?
There are no exceptions to the way God wants us to respond to conflict. In a family like yours, because of past experience, some members may find it difficult to acknowledge your God-given responsibilities as a parent (and stepparent). Therefore, you and your spouse (as a team!) will have to work much harder to apply peacemaking to all areas of your family life.
Stepchildren often show their anger over divorce or other loss of a natural parent by rejecting the role a stepparent assumes. If the stepparent can remember who has the greater responsibility to act maturely, he can win the trust of his stepchildren over time and establish a positive relationship with them.
No matter what the situation, biblical peacemaking always applies. If stepchildren persist in their rebellion, it may then be time for the church to get involved.
How should members of a church handle differences in doctrine? In other words, when should doctrine be an issue of unity and when should it be an issue of diversity?
Disagreeing over doctrine does not have to make people enemies! No one should be bold enough to claim that he completely understands the mind of God with respect to every point of doctrine. Rather, we must be committed to thinking, speaking, and acting charitably, so that the major pillars of truth we agree on do not become hostage to less important, debatable matters. Christians should remember that God values relationships very highly and does not want our fellowship jeopardized over such matters.
However, when people question the essential truths of the Christian faith (e.g., the divinity of Christ, the Trinity, the sacraments, and so on), we have a duty to point them to Scripture’s clear teaching on such matters. But the principles of biblical peacemaking still apply, especially as we interact with those with whom we disagree.
My husband and I will sometimes get into spats in front of our kids. Things calm down quickly, but we never really reconcile. What advice can you give us? How are our kids going to learn about peacemaking?
You and your husband need to spend some time alone working this out. Your question raises two separate issues: (1) your ability as husband and wife to be completely reconciled, and; (2) your responsibility as a couple to teach your children how to respond to conflict biblically.
Because you and your husband want to teach your children what is right, the question is, how can your relationship model a way of life that is consistent with the biblical principles you have taught them? You can do this best if you and your husband recognize that every conflict is a “teachable moment”—to teach conflict resolution either God’s way or man’s way. If you want to teach it “God’s way,” then you must purpose ahead of time to use any conflict that surfaces as an opportunity to model godly peacemaking.
How should I handle it when those who have no desire to resolve conflict respond harshly to “peacemaking solutions”?
All Christians should desire to resolve conflict because Christ commands us to do so. If you find a Christian who lacks this desire, you have a great opportunity to help him understand, by means of “gentle instruction” (see 1 Tim. 2:24-26), what God requires of his children (and why!). Knowing the truth will set him free from the trap of unforgiveness or unrepentant sin.
Non-Christians are not necessarily compelled by the same desire, so your opportunities to make peace are more limited. Whether dealing with Christians or not, you are always called to respond with gentleness and humility when you are treated harshly.
Do you recommend taking a different approach when seeking reconciliation with a person prone to physical or verbal abuse? Should you continue if his response is increasing negative?
Wisdom would dictate that you never go alone to discuss sensitive matters with someone prone to physical violence. Even David ran when Saul began hurling spears at him! The same guideline applies to people who cannot control their tongue: It is wise to proceed to the second step of the Matthew 18 process by taking one or two others with you.
If you are talking about a Christian who cannot control his temper, the opportunity to minister to him extends beyond the scope of peacemaking, because his anger often has roots in circumstances unrelated to your experience with him. A well-trained biblical counselor can help him break free from ungodly patterns of anger and learn to control his tongue.
Even when a person responds negatively to your peacemaking efforts, you are called to try to live at peace with him. The incremental steps of Matthew 18:15-20 are intended to help him recognize the serious nature of his sins and turn from them. Do not stand alone as you seek peace; use the resources God has given you in your fellow believers and through the authority of the church.
How do you pursue unity in the body if you cannot approach your pastor?
When it appears that a pastor is unapproachable, there are often other issues to consider. Have you sought to get the log out of your own eye? How have your past experiences with your pastor made you think he is unapproachable? Have you supported his ministry, or were there times when you undermined the work God has called him to do? Your pastor is a part of the body of Christ who needs your ministry as much as you need his. Unity will grow out of your efforts to make peace with him and support his calling. If your pastor truly is unapproachable, ask an elder (or another church leader) to help you talk to him about how he comes across.
The warnings the Lord gives in Ezekiel 34 indicate that any pastor (or shepherd) who cannot be approached will face stern judgment. Pastors should be the most approachable people of all.
What so you do when one person is making unfounded and false accusations about another person? How do you deal with someone who appears to have emotional or psychological issues?
The way you ask this question suggests you think this person is emotionally or psychologically disturbed because he has made unfounded and false accusations. Perfectly sound people can, of course, also make these types accusations. If you are convinced he is emotionally unstable, then you should pursue those who have the authority and expertise to help him get an accurate diagnosis and an appropriate counseling or other treatment plan.
My dad sexually abused me all my life, and my mother was fully aware of it. I do not hate them, but I have no contact with my father and try to stay in touch with my mother. Do I need to formally forgive them for my own inner peace?
Sexual abuse leaves a deep wound, which, in order to heal, takes a significant amount of time and right thinking about yourself. In Christ, you can find freedom from the harmful effects of this sin. But it is sin—sin that has created a barrier between you and your father and mother. What do we do about sin?
We are called to confront those who have sinned against us and give them the opportunity to repent and confess. If their confession is sincere and they seek your forgiveness, then by all means, forgive them, and rest in the closure this process brings for you. You are not obligated to forgive them, however, before they confess. And given the serious nature of their sin, it is not something you can merely overlook.
I recommend you go with your pastor to each of your parents and describe the pain your father’s actions caused you. Give them every opportunity to repent and confess to you. Then you can make at least the first promise of forgiveness, and leave the results in God’s hands.
There are often ongoing and serious consequences which your parents need to address resulting from sexual sin. You may be in a position to assist him under the guidance and care of your church leaders and other trusted and spiritually mature advisers.
What if you are really, truly not wrong? How can you reconcile with someone if your conflict was not a misunderstanding, but just a disagreement?
You cannot confess to something that did not happen. Your use of the words “wrong” and “disagreement,” however, implies that this matter may be about differing opinions rather than factual accuracy. We must be careful to separate opinions from facts. If this person is labeling you as “wrong” merely because he doesn’t agree with your opinion, then he is wrong! People regularly disagree about all sorts of matters, but they are not necessarily wrong. They just have a different perspective on the truth, which is not related to the accuracy of the facts. In these situations, Christians can demonstrate their wisdom by making charitable judgments and avoiding the tendency to label people as “wrong.”
If the person I am in conflict with refuses to communicate, how do I deal with it? I have given up trying. I try to keep the situation from consuming me, but I am dying inside and have no more dreams or goals. There has to be a better way.
Romans 12:18 should be a great comfort to you: “If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone” (italics added). It may not always be possible, because some people insist on being unreasonable. But that is their story with God, as C. S. Lewis used to say. All you can do is take responsibility for your actions; then you must step aside and give others room to take responsibility for theirs.
If this person claims to be a Christian, the church needs to confront him for his unbelief. If he refuses to listen even to the church, have nothing to do with him. God will judge him (1 Cor. 5:12-13).
How do you confront a parent about an issue in his life, specifically, destructive behavior? I find this particularly difficult because, as his child, I want to respect his authority.
Maintaining the right relationship between parent and child can become difficult, particularly later in life. Remember, however, that there is no excuse for bad behavior regardless of whether a person is a parent or a child. Because a parent is often unwilling to listen to his son or daughter, it becomes necessary to involve church leaders who have passport with him. As we are told in Galatians 6:1, someone who is “spiritual” (or spiritually mature) should be sought to undertake the task of restoration. No matter how our parents behave, we are always called to honor them.
A pastor is a lightening rod for conflict! He is often attacked for irrational reasons and by people on the periphery of the church. If he responds to every attack, he is using time and energy that could be spent elsewhere, giving credence to irrational people and issues, and exposing himself to unnecessary pain. How can he realistically, yet biblically, respond?
A pastor needs to have a broad view of the scope of his ministry. In other words, it may be that God has called him into ministry specifically to minister to those who are the most troublesome. Although this answer is difficult, Pastor’s have to trust God’s sovereignty in whom he places under their ministry. It is unbiblical for one to hope that only “perfect people” will be involved in his church, because God has called sinners—sinners with problems. These people need the oversight of a shepherd who sees not only their problems, but what they can be in Christ through the power of the Spirit working change in their lives.
How do you resolve conflict with a non-Christian in the workplace, where it is essential to have good communication, if a person refuses to meet with you to discuss your differences?
Approaching a non-Christian about participating more productively in the workplace usually means appealing to his self-interests, which may result in better job performance, not to mention more friendly interaction with co-workers. You and your co-workers may have to be creative about developing a plan that seems most appropriate for the situation. If this person has a supervisor, including him in the plan may also be helpful.
Secular law seems to be limiting the church’s ability to practice discipline, especially when flight is so easy for many members. How can we work around these legal barriers?
If a church is strategically organized and consistently follows sound policies and procedures, the secular courts have either regularly upheld its actions or refused to interfere because of the limitations the First Amendment’s places on reviewing ecclesiastical matters. Churches run into the most trouble when they implement their policies and procedures in an inconsistent manner or in a way that gives rise to legal action. Peacemaker Ministries has developed the Managing Conflict in Your Church course to help churches get their “houses in order,” so they can function as the church without fearing the prospect of a damaging law suit.
How do you handle differences of opinion with church leadership when it is apparent to many that they are wrong, though they are sincere?
The best way to handle these differences is through patient negotiation using the PAUSE principle. Since people are drawing their conclusions from differences of opinion (rather than sin,) discussion needs to continue until there is a peaceful resolution.
Church members need to be willing to follow their leaders, even when it is not apparent why they have chosen a particular course of action. One way out of a stalemate is to propose an experimental period of application to see how well an idea works. That is what Daniel wisely proposed, and the results proved most convincing (Daniel 1:8-16).
What do you do when someone asks you for advice about a problem, but all he really wants is to gossip about someone else and have you solve his problems?
In this situation you have the responsibility (and opportunity!) to explain that you want to avoid any hint of gossip. But express your desire to give biblical advice that would encourage this person to control his tongue, honor God through his actions, and take responsibility for his life. Part of your opportunity is to help him separate sinful gossip from a genuine request for guidance, which may need to be the first counsel you provide.
People often ask me to help them deal with conflict, and I can give them biblical advice. But when they ask me to meet with both sides in a dispute, I feel like I am in over my head. Should I still try to help?
It depends on the complexity and volatility of the conflict. If the parties are fairly reasonable and willing to listen to advice, you may be able to help them have a constructive conversation and resolve their differences by following the steps set forth in Guiding People through Conflict. You need to know your limits, however. If the conflict is complex or involves significant legal of financial matters, or if one of the parties is difficult to deal with, it would be appropriate to refer them to trained conciliators.
The Matthew 18 passage starts, “If your brother sins against you….” Is it okay to apply these steps to someone who has sinned against someone other than yourself? Or is that a pastor’s job? Does the pastor have more responsibility than the average member in this area?
Every member of the body of Christ is called to be a peacemaker. Galatians 6:1 calls Christians to be ready to “rescue” their brothers and sisters from sin when it has taken them captive. That does not give anyone license to be a busybody, but it does imply that we have a responsibility to each other as Christians.
If you see someone being hurt by his own sin, you should seek to help him, but that does not necessarily mean calling his pastor. In difficult situations where a pastor’s counseling expertise and knowledge of Scripture may be particularly useful, call on him for help. But remember that a pastor’s and an elder’s primary job is to equip God’s people for works of ministry (Eph. 4:12).
How would you modify your peacemaking approach if you were dealing with a fragile, unbelieving teenager who has stolen and continues to lie, denying that it happened?
I would not change my approach. Since you are working with an unbeliever, you should expect his response to reflect his unbelief and futile thinking. However, explaining the consequences of his behavior to him in terms he can relate to (like jail, school suspension, and so on) could compel him to think more realistically about who he wants to be and how he can change. Show him how patterns of theft and lying can become so enslaving that he would have little opportunity to bring any meaning to bear on his life.
Sometimes civil court relief is not biblical. For example, a bankruptcy court forgives a business debt—even though the tradesman creditor has not forgiven the debt. Should the Christian involved be encouraged to pay off his debt?
Christians are told to let their yes be yes and their no be no, which means keeping a promise even when it hurts. In other words, yes, a Christian should seek to work out a plan to pay his debt and, ultimately, to resolve the conflict. The tradesman, on the other hand, should be encouraged to accept a reasonable plan that will allow recovery, because if he forces the point, he could lose everything.
By definition, conflict involves a difference in opinion or purpose, which implies two persons or groups. If I am firmly convinced that a group is wrong about a vital principle, but no member of the group will listen to me, what should I do?
Make a respectful appeal by gently and humbly submitting your evidence; then leave the results in God’s hands. If the group is trapped in sinful behavior, you may need to get help from a neutral third party whom the group would see as impartial and able to provide insightful counsel.
When a person asks you to go with him to confront someone, how do you decide if you should go? What if you think the conflict sounds petty or frivolous?
You go without prejudging the case, because your goal is to minister to people where they are at. If a person seeks your help, he obviously thinks the matter is somewhat significant. By respecting his desire do what is right, you can encourage a peaceful resolution. Never dismiss how seriously someone takes a matter, because you could be missing a great opportunity to help him mature in his faith.