After mediating hundreds of divorces, lawsuits, forced pastoral exits and church splits, I have learned that these types of conflicts usually involved one or more parties who lacked three critical character qualities: humility, teachability and flexibility.
To put it in a positive way, if you want to avoid major conflict and enjoy a life-long marriage, close relationships with your children, a fulfilling career and a compelling witness for Christ, make a deliberate effort to cultivate humility, teachability and flexibility.
Humility is the quality of having a modest view of one’s own importance, rank or abilities. It includes a recognition that you don’t have all the answers, that you may be wrong at times and that others may have better insights, wisdom and abilities in certain areas than you do (see Prov. 15:33; Prov. 18:12; Prov. 22:4; Phil. 2:3-4).
Teachability is the quality of being able, willing and eager to learn from others. It includes an appreciation for the gifts, abilities and experiences of others and a recognition that you can benefit and grow by listening to and learning from them (see Prov. 13:1; Prov. 15:22; Prov. 15:31; Prov. 19:20).
Flexibility is the quality of being able to easily modify your own opinions, goals and actions. It includes the ability to adapt to new information, change course, compromise on non-moral issues, and value other’s interests as highly as your own (see Prov. 22:3; 1 Sam. 25:32-35; Phil. 2:3-4; Matt. 21:32; Luke 22:42).
These three qualities are mutually supporting. The more you exercise any one of them, the easier and more natural it becomes to exercise the others.
Warning Signs
What does it look like when people are not humble, teachable and flexible?
- They are blind to their limitations and puffed up about their abilities.
- They love to draw attention to themselves.
- They don’t take notes, ask questions, read books with differing views or enjoy learning from others.
- They resent and resist advice and correction.
- They quickly point out flaws or failures of others.
- They refuse to admit when they’re wrong.
- They blame others rather than taking responsibility for problems.
- They resist moving out of their comfort zone, personally, relationally and vocationally.
- They stubbornly hold to questionable opinions, goals and practices.
As a result, their friendships are typically shallow and fragile, their marriages are unfulfilling and often fail, and they experience little growth or satisfaction in their careers.
Positive signs
What does it look like when you are steadily cultivating humility, teachability and flexibility?
- You are aware of and honest about both your strengths and limitations.
- You actually enjoy affirming and praising others.
- You take notes when others are speaking, ask questions that reveal your limitations, have a hunger for reading books that expose you to new perspectives, and truly enjoy learning from others.
- You are comfortable seeking advice and receive correction without becoming defensive.
- You charitably cover over others’ mistakes and failures.
- You’re quick to admit when you’re wrong or mistaken.
- You take responsibility for your contribution to a problem before addressing what others have done.
- You are willing to stretch yourself by exploring new ideas, accepting new responsibilities and developing new skills.
- You are able to change opinions, goals and practices as you acquire new information and grow in wisdom.
As you continue to develop and practice these qualities, perhaps by going through our Discovering Relational Wisdom course, every relationship and activity in your life will benefit.
Your friends will love sharing the ups and downs of their lives with you. Your marriage can become the safest and most enjoyable and secure relationship you could imagine. You can enjoy life-long closeness with your children. And your career can follow a steady upward course as you constantly learn from your co-workers and find joy in advancing their goals as much as your own.
Humility … teachability … flexibility. Three qualities that can improve every relationship in your life.
– Ken Sande
Reflection Questions
- How do the qualities of humility, teachability and flexibility mutually reinforce and support one another?
- If you are in a conflict situation at the moment, print out a copy of this blog and mark which warning signs and which positive signs describe your behavior in this situation. How is God calling you to repent and change?
- How do these three qualities contribute to better friendships?
- Why are these three qualities essential to a fulfilling and durable marriage and a close?
- How do these qualities contribute to good parenting and a close life-long relationship with your children?
- How do these three qualities contribute to better job performance and career advancement?
Permission to distribute: Please feel free to download, print, or electronically share this message in its entirety for non-commercial purposes with as many people as you like.
© 2024 Ken Sande
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